


love and other drugs

by coffeeandcigarettesplease



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Bathing, Blow Jobs, Cocaine, Comfort, Coming of Age, Cuddling, Drabbles, Drug Use, Drugs, Dry Humping, Dubious Consent, Eventual Smut, F/M, Frottage, Grooming, Growing Up, High School, Kylo is a bad dude, Kylo is a predator I thought y’all knew, Mild F/F, Modern AU, Obsession, Oral, Periods, Power Dynamics, Power Play, Size Kink, Slow Burn, Smut, The Long Con, Trap king, Underage - Freeform, Unreliable Narrator, Voyeurism, Weed, age gap, dead dove do not eat, drug use again, loss of virginnity, rey is underage still, ward/chaperone, welcome to hell - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-08-27 09:53:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 37,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16700233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcigarettesplease/pseuds/coffeeandcigarettesplease
Summary: **COMPLETE**Rey’s mom sells her to Kylo Ren for drugs. He’s not a nice man, except to Rey. That’s good enough for her.A slow burn, dark twist on guardian/ward tropes.Drugs, age gap, this is not a happy fic. Short chapters, frequent updates. Pay attention to tags and don’t read if you don’t like.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Любовь и прочая дурь](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18233552) by [Scofie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scofie/pseuds/Scofie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im rewriting this so here’s a new chapter One. Rey is older, the plot is different, but no idea how long it’ll take me to rework all of it. So if this feels disjointed, it is.

 

I feel sick as Mom drags me down the cracked, uneven sidewalk on the south side of Chicago. You know the kind of place - chain link fence with chained up pit bulls, people coming and going from the dilapidated stoop at all hours. Cars - police, rival gangs, mothers looking for their lost and addicted children - rolling by slowly under the orange glow of street lamps. 

 

Mom is mad. Her nails dig into the flesh of my wrist as I drag my feet behind her. She shoots me a glare over her bony shoulder, eyes red-rimmed and watery. Her skin is chalk-white and pasty with withdrawal sweats, beading her dark hairline. She looks like crap - I’m sure she feels like crap, too. That’s drugs for you.

 

“Hurry up,” she snaps at me. 

 

Mom ran out of money. She’s taking me to the trap house where she scores instead of money, hoping someone will want to “spend some time” with me in lieu of cash payment. I’m sixteen and by her lofty standards, that’s plenty old enough. 

 

“Pick up your feet,” she hisses. One hand mottled with bruises and the other tight on my arm. I knew what was going to happen - you don’t grow up with an addict as a parent and not  _ know _ \- but living with her was probably better than foster care, or on the streets alone. It felt like this was always going to be inevitable, unavoidable -  _ sex _ .

 

I’m fortunate, I’ve been thinking lately, that I’m so short and skinny. I look younger than my age without any womanly curves. My hair is plain brown, long and tangled most of the time. I’m normal looking, I guess - not a knock out beauty but not hideously ugly, either. I could use a good, thorough scrubbing and some proper-fitting clothes. Everything I own comes second hand from donations at shelters or the lost and found st school. 

 

Finally, Mom turns into a fenced in yard and stomps up front steps to a cruddy looking house with peeling paint and missing shingles. I follow her like a puppy. I don’t know what else to do.

 

“Don’t say a word, Rey,” Mom hisses out of the corner of her mouth as she knocks. “Don’t ruin this for me.” I glare at her doughy face and nod, lips pursed into a frown. In the long moments we wait outside, we can hear movement within - the din of television laughter, a chair scraping over the floor - Mom stares at me hard. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. 

 

Does she feel bad? Guilty? Ashamed? Or is she only worried about getting high, curing her dope sickness and shakes? I duck my head and stare at my shoes as the door opens a few inches and a pale, red headed man peeks out.

 

“Open up, Hux,” Mom says, hugging her arms around her emaciated frame. She’s so thin she’s skeletal, each rib protruding hungrily. 

 

“What’s with the kid?” he asks, nodding at me.

 

“My daughter. C’mon, open up.” Mom cocks her head towards the street where the evening traffic is already beginning. He sighs but opens the door wide and we’re in. 

 

I’ve always wondered what this place is like. Mom spends a lot of time here, buying and using her drug of choice, heroin. She likes crack too but rarely has enough to indulge in both. I try not to stare once we’re standing in the foyer. It smells weird - like weed and cigarette smoke, unwashed bodies and something acidic, burnt. I wrinkle my nose and lower my face so no one can see how sick it makes me.

 

She’d rather be  _ here _ , fucked up and numb, than with me. Even though it’s not breaking news, it still pangs in my chest like a fresh wound. I think of long, lonesome, starving hours I’ve spent waiting for her, worrying over her. Alone in whatever shelter or hotel room we could afford for a week. Moving around constantly, dodging managers or volunteers.

 

Tears threaten to escape my lash-line but I force myself to breathe through it.  _ It’s fine, you’re fine. Calm down. _ There is worse to come, I remind myself, as the red headed man stares me down.

 

“I’m low on cash and thought - she’s a virgin. Worth at least a couple bags, for an hour or two.” Mom strokes a hand over my braid in a way that should be affectionate but feels hollow. I try not to cringe away like my insides are commanding me. 

 

I peek up to see his reaction. Eyebrows pitched together as he examines me - I feel my cheeks grow warm and pink. It’s like he already knows what I’ll look like naked, like he can see through my baggy jeans and too-small sweater creeping up my tummy. My tiny breasts which don’t really need a bra yet. 

 

“She’s a child,” Hux says, voice dripping with disgust.

 

“She’s sixteen,” Mom argues. “Ask Kylo. Swear to God I saw him with a younger girl last week. Go ask Kylo!” she insists through clenched teeth. Her nails dig into my arm like talons. I try not to wince as the redhead huffs and stomps off.

 

“Fucking asshole,” she spits out. We wait there in the foyer for what feels like forever. Music blasts somewhere overhead and I feel so small and stupid as we wait for whatever is to come next. My heart flutters nervously in my chest and my palms feel clammy as I clench my fists, nails digging in. 

 

It takes an eternity for Hux to come back with another guy. I’m too nervous to look at him - all I can make out is dark jeans and clean - like, super clean, brand new, Nike sneakers.

 

“Where’d you find the kid, Kira?” The new man has a deep voice. I’m dying of curiosity but too fearful to look until I feel fingertips tilting my chin up. He’s huge, both in height and width, with messy dark curls and a clean shaven, handsome face. He’s pale, with deepest dark eyes. A long nose above plush lips that look almost feminine. 

 

I tremble as he looks at me too close, studying me.  Even though I feel like sobbing, I force my breathing to remain steady and my eyes to meet his. 

 

“I’ll take her,” he says.

 

“Two bags for two hours,” Mom says quickly, pushing me at him eagerly. I stumble and strong hands catch me before I can fall. 

 

“Work it out, Hux,” the man says. He takes my hand and tugs me gently towards a set of stairs further into the house. I glance back at Mom, who has already forgotten about me. We pass peeling wallpaper and crooked light fixtures as we troop up the stairs, and the air grows calmer, easier. I take a deep breath, certain that I’m walking to my doom. 


	2. Chapter 2

II.

 

I swiped my eyes with my sweater sleeve and tried to seem as small as possible as he circled me. He wore dark sneakers, very clean, like brand new. The hem of dark gray sweats - I didn’t dare look any higher than his shins. I was too horrified. A grown man had just purchased me for drugs. From my mother.

 

I couldn’t stand the silence and finally asked, “should - do you want - should I get undressed?” I could see the edge of the bed only a yard away from me. Maybe he just needed a nudge to get things started. As much as I didn’t want to lose my virginity before I’d even got my period, especially to a drug dealer in a drug transaction, I just wantedit to be over.

 

“I’m not going to fuck you. Relax.” At his amused tone, I looked up. He was smiling at me like I’d said something hilarious. I flushed, but was too scared to feel relief. He could just be lying. He was probably lying. I hugged my arms tight around my scrawny body. “What’s your name, kid?”

 

“Rey.”

 

“Pretty,” he commented lightly. I shrugged. It’s a boys’ name, spelled wrong. “You look hungry, kid. How long’s it been since you ate? Like a real, good meal?”

 

Months. Years. I don’t know. Dollar menu McDonald’s and Top Ramen, spaghetti-o’s, bologna sandwiches - those are the delicacies I’m used to. I shrugged and glanced down again at my shoes. “Dunno. A while.”

 

“Let’s get you some food. You like Chinese?”

 

“Never had it,” I whispered. When I peek at him again, he had a strange look on his handsome face. “Chinese is expensive...”

 

“It’s fine. I’ll order something, you’ll love it. Have a seat.” He pulled out a cell and started tapping away as I finally gathered my courage to examine the rest of the room. It’s large, but completely trashed. There’s the bed. Big and a tangle of sheets. A couple beat up sofas and a coffee table littered with paraphernalia and magazines, cigarettes overflowing from ash trays. Empty beer bottles on the floor and Ninja Turtle sheets over the tall windows.

 

I waited on a couch while he made the call and then he slid his phone back in a pocket and sat beside me.

 

“You in school?”

 

“Seventh grade,” I replied. When I made it, which was often as I could. Between dodging hotel managers wanting their money and switching shelters, sometimes it was too far away or I was too hungry, or I had to switch districts. I stole library books and tried to keep up, I really did.

 

“That must be hard.” Crap, I said that all out loud. Again my cheeks flood with heat and I hang my head, ashamed. Mom would kill me if she heard me. High or not. She always said we didn’t air our dirty laundry.

 

“It’s ok. I’m fine.” I shrugged and wrapped my arms around my torso.

 

“Yeah, real fine. Your mom’s selling your ass for a couple grams, Rey. That’s not fine.” Ren watched my face too closely, spent too long studying my skinny, small body in a way that wasn’t what the boys in school wanted or what I’d seen on television. It made me feel like I wasn’t invisible, like someone was finally seeing the tape and glue and spit that was barely holding all of my pieces together. I wanted to sob and throw up, it felt too raw.

 

“Lucky she sold me to you, then.” I tried to smile weakly. Ren frowned. His phone buzzed and he glanced at it.

 

“I’m going to get our food. Don’t let anyone in, and keep this door locked. I may have scruples about fucking a child, but others may not.” On that ominous note, he left me alone and I curled into myself further.

 

It felt like hours stretched out until I heard him knock and say, “it’s me, Rey.” On shaky legs I rose and unlocked the door. He had an armful of styrofoam boxes, a paper bag, and the delicious scents made my stomach growl painfully, loud. He has guessed right, though guessing that a kid like me was hungry was a pretty safe bet. He frowned in distaste at the disgusting coffee table then nodded towards the bed.

 

“No funny business,” he added. It didn’t matter. I wanted what was in the boxes. I’d do whatever he wanted to get what was in those boxes. I scrambled onto the tangled sheets and sat on my knees, too eager. Ren kind of chuckled and sat on the edge like he was reluctant to even do that. I watched with eyes wide as saucers as he opened the first box and held up a weird looking fried shell, sort of pinched together in the middle. “Are you allergic to seafood?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never had it.” He looked torn, but I must look very pathetic because he shrugged and handed it to me. Without further inspection, I bit into one corner and my mouth was filled with sweet, creamy, gooey-crunch. I closed my eyes and chewed quickly so I could pop the rest in my mouth as Ren watched me closely. Gauging my reaction.

 

“That’s crab Rangoon. Good?”

 

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.” I wanted more but was afraid to ask.

 

“I got sweet and sour chicken. Would you like to try it?” I nodded before he finished the sentence. Carefully, he spread out food and boxes while giving me another crab thing. I devoured it like a ravenous, feral dog receiving pitying scraps by some well-meaning passerby. He dipped fried chicken in a thin red sauce, cupping a hand under it to catch any drips, held it up for me to bite from him hand.

 

Nervously, I held his gaze as my teeth and lips found their target and I bit in. Strange taste, but good; Ren’s eyes darkened as he watched me smile and chew.

 

“Just like the name, sweet and sour.” I leaned forward to finish the bite from his fingers as he stares me down. He must think I’m so disgusting, or sad - his kindness must be some charity for the pitiful excuse of a mother God gave me. He hand feeds me more, careful not to drip the runny sauce and just ... watching me. His eyes are warm brown, dark amber, framed by thick lashes. Almost feminine, but... not. His lips could be girly too, plush and pink, but his other features (long nose, chiseled jaw, big ears) compensate for manliness and it all works together. It was silent while I ate. Ren ran out of fried chicken pieces and grinned.

 

“There’s more, but I’m afraid you’ll puke. Let’s wait before anymore, ok?” Though I’m still hungry, I nodded. I didn’t want to push my luck. “Tell me about yourself, Rey. You’re a pretty young woman - could use some meat on your bones, but otherwise healthy. What do you like?”

 

It felt like a trick. But it was better to talk in bed than do anything else in bed. “I like to read. I like to fix things, when I can. I took apart the toaster when one of the heating coils went out and fixed it.”

 

“Clever,” he said with a smile.

 

“I like music. Movies, mostly science fiction, but I’ll watch anything if we have a television.” While Mom is nodding out in the bed and totally out of it. I loved being outdoors, but the neighborhoods where we stayed weren’t safe enough and I was too worried Mom would overdose and die without me to babysit.

 

“What do you want to be, when you grow up?” Ren pressed on.

 

“I don’t know. Probably nothing special. I won’t be able to afford college, and high school...” Mom would have me drop out and put me to work, if she could. It was more likely than a scholarship and living in a dorm.

 

“That’s shit, Rey. You deserve much better than the hand you’ve been dealt.” Ren fished a pack of smokes out of his pocket and lit one, exhaling a silver plume of smoke. I watched him smoke, unsure.

 

My whole life, I’ve been told the exact opposite.

 

Dad left because he couldn’t stand me. Mom got high because she couldn’t handle the pressure of doing it alone. My classmates hated me, I wasn’t pretty or really smart. Ren has known me for all of an hour. How could he make that judgement?

 

“I have an idea. It’s probably crazy, but...”

 

“What?” Curiosity could be the eighth deadly sin. I leaned towards him.

 

“Come live with me. Like my assistant. I’ll take care if you - better care than that woman nodding out downstairs. I can teach you, Rey. Give you a future.” He licked his lips slowly and I watched his tongue leave a slick trail on his plump mouth.

 

It’s nuts. A wild idea. Probably a bad one. But... it was more than my mom had ever offered me.

 

“You’ll be safe. No one fucks with the First Order. Nobody’ll fuck with my girl. I’ll make sure you’re fed, get good grades. All that shit. Whaddya say, kid?”

 

Honestly - deep inside of me, a place I didn’t know existed, started to sing. Ren offered me something I never had before. Hope. Safety.

 

“You won’t live here. I’ll take care if you, Rey. You’ll never be hungry, or homeless, again.

 

“You promise?” The child inside of me wants it - wants him. The security. The weight lifting from my tiny shoulders makes me dizzy, inch by inch.

 

Kylo Ren smiled and lifted his hand to cup my cheek. I felt small and safe in that hand. “I promise, Rey.”

 

I nodded, and it barely felt like falling.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

 

We boxed up the food and Kylo Ren held my hand as he leads me through the house. My belly was full but quivering with nerves. Hux, the redhead from before, is at the door with a strange smile that I don’t like.

 

“Never pegged you for a chomo, Kylo.”

 

“Fuck off, Armitage. Where’s...?”

 

“Left already. Made sure she won’t be around for a while.” He crossed his arms as he glared at Kylo. “You should be careful. Snoke won’t take kindly to drawing this sort of attention, should her mother...”

 

I blushed when I realized they’re talking about me.

 

“I’ll get it legalized as soon as possible. I doubt she’ll put up a fight.” Kylo turned and smiled at me, winked. I looked at my shoes again as heat crept up my neck and ears. Maybe I’ll have to fuck him. He’ll want me to earn my keep somehow. But... if he keeps feeding me crab Rangoon and really takes care of me like he said, I thought it could be a worthwhile trade.

 

“You’re disgusting.”

 

“Always a pleasure. Come on, kid.” Kylo tugged me out the door and I followed close to his side. He strode towards a big black SUV, windows tinted almost black. He put the food in the back before opening the passenger door and boosting me up and in. He even fastened my seatbelt.

 

We rode in silence towards the Loop, traffic increasing and slowing our pace. I chewed at my already bitten to the quick nails and resisted the urge to stare at him.

 

“My mom...”

 

“She agreed to it, Rey. That’s all you’re worth to her, now.” His voice is deep and when I glanced across the car his knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel. “Garbage excuse for a mother. I’m sorry. You never have to see her again.”

 

Never? I sniffled and squeezed my eyes shut against the salty sting behind my eyes. I shouldn’t cry. I shouldn’t care what happens to her - it only took twelve years to sell me out fora couple grams. Once it started, she likely would continue. Nothing was more important than her fix. Not me. Her only daughter.

 

Still, it hurts. Deep inside of me. I felt Kylo’s hand clutch around my own and I squeezed back as the floodgates open. My shoulders hunched and I ugly-cried, oblivious to where we were headed, until Kylo put the SUV in park and cut the engine. I hiccuped as my breathing evened and my tears dried. I took a final, shudder breath, and gave him a tiny, embarrassed smile.

 

“You’ll see how much better your life can be, Rey. I can sense it inside of you - everything you’ve been through. It’s made you...” he paused, like he was choosing his words carefully. “You’re an old soul. And smart, too - choosing a new life with a complete stranger is a huge risk.”

 

I gulped. “Maybe too big?”

 

“No. I’ll prove it. I promise.” He kissed the back of my hand before climbing out. He rushed around to open my door. We’re in a parking garage and our steps echo as he grabbed our food - at my reminder - and my hand to lead the way to an elevator. I’m vaguely reminded of every horror movie I’ve been brave enough to watch through my fingers, until the doors slid open and we stepped in.

 

Kylo has a big loft with exposed brick and open layout. A free-standing brick fireplace and high windows with a view of Lake Michigan and the Chicago skyline, lights twinkling and glowing in the dark night. Clean, too. My jaw hung open as I spun around to take it all in.

 

“You’re probably exhausted,” Kylo said just as a yawn creaks through me. I blushed. I’m constantly red around him. “But you’ll need a bath first. I’ll run one, make yourself at home.”

 

I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t know what that meant, exactly, so I wandered into the living room to check out the huge flat screen mounted on the wall and surrounding shelves of music and books. He had everything. Not second-hand. Not rented. The low leather sectional looked inviting but I was scared to sit down, in case I fell asleep.

 

I felt Kylo’s hands on my shoulder and flinch. “Whoa, kiddo. Just me.” He grinned and steered me towards the bathroom. It’s bright and modern, a deep bath and separate shower with stone inside and a glass door. In the mirror, we’re reflected and it struck me just how different we are.

 

Kylo Ren is huge both in height and width, though not fat. He’s broad shouldered and narrow waisted. He wore a plain white undershirt that clung to his muscular arms and chest, sweats low on his hips. Beside him, I looked even younger. I barely reached his waist and I felt too scrawny and ugly in contrast. Soft hands tug on my hair until we worked together to release the braids, finger combing the greasy knots loose. Kylo reaches for my shirt and lifted a few inches before I snatched the hem and lowered it, curling inward and turning away.

 

“What are you doing?” I whimpered. My voice shook.

 

“I’m going to bathe you, Rey. I told you, I’m not going to fuck you. I just need to make sure you don’t have any injuries and just how malnourished you are. That’s all.” Kylo’s voice was almost hypnotic, deep and lulling. I let him take off my sweater, even though warning bells rang in my ears.

 

It’s not right... it makes sense, I guess. But I’m uncomfortable being naked in front of anyone, let alone a man I met only hours ago. Still - he’s just trying to take care of me, right? Kylo made quick work of my jeans and panties and I zoned out, eyes unseeing, as he guided me into the hot, soapy water. It felt better than anything, except for maybe the Chinese food, and I shuddered with pleasure as the water enveloped my goose-pimpled flesh.

 

“See? It’s not bad,” Kylo said. “You’re safe with me, Rey.” He lathered his hands with the green bar of soap on the lip of the tub and takes of of my much smaller hands in his. It was silent, except for the sound of water splashing gently as he moved my limbs around. He kneaded my muscles carefully, not too hard, commenting that I felt like a slab of stone, I was so tense. I hadn’t been bathed in a long time. Despite how weird it was, Kylo killed me into a relaxed state, molding me into mush. He didn’t linger over my nonexistent chest, not when my nipples pebbles under his palms. He tickled over my ribs and chuckled when I squirmed. His hand slipped between my legs suddenly, which made me jerk up in shock.

 

“Just washing, Rey. It’s ok.” Something hot and heavy clenches in my gut like dread, at the same time as a thrill shot up my spine. I trembled under his fingertips until he was satisfied and removed his hand. “There. I think you’re clean now, huh?”

 

I nodded mutely and took his hand, stepping out of the bath and let him wrap me in a massive fluffy towel. He quickly ran a wide-tooth comb through my long hair while I dripped and shivered on the tile floor. Kylo picked me up - again, like I weighed nothing, like a rag doll - and carried me up the floating stairway to the bedroom loft. It was dark, and he pulled a clean shirt over my head that fell down to my thighs. Kylo peeled back the blankets and I climbed in. He followed.

 

After everything, feeling his big frame wrap around me like a warm cocoon wasn’t that weird. He stroked my hair and whispered, “Goodnight, pretty Rey. Sweet dreams.”

 

It wasn’t long until I fell asleep. Exhaustion overwhelmed me. I had no dreams at all.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

 

I woke up confused, sunlight streaming through the high windows, scent of breakfast foods in the air. My stomach rumbled as I held very still, my mind trying to catch up after the deep sleep I’d been under. I hear whistling, a cheerful tune, then footsteps on the stairway. I rolled onto my back, sitting up and tugging the sheet with me to stay warm and covered. Kylo was grinning as he came into view.

 

“Good morning, Rey. I made you breakfast in bed.” With a flourish, Kylo set a wooden tray over my lap, fussing with the blankets and tucking my hair behind one ear as I gasped - shocked - at my loaded plate. Pancakes, bacon and sausage, scrambled eggs, orange juice... my mouth watered instantly and I snagged a piece of bacon to bite into immediately. I moaned in delight. Kylo’s eyes sparkled as they followed my every move.

 

“Thank you,” I said sincerely. I never had breakfast in bed before. I was so careful not to spill on Kylo’s (probably expensive) super soft sheets. He just watched as I tucked in, seeming content to see me pleased. He fed me a few bites of bacon and stole my eggs, laughing as I glared. I wanted every bite of my food, but would never dream of telling me hands off. He cooked it, after all.

 

“I have a few errands to run before we go shopping. Is that ok?” Kylo’s Brie creased and he seemed legitimately concerned whether that sounded acceptable or not. With owlish eyes, I nodded. We were on Kylo’s time, his dime, in his world. I would go along to get along, if it meant breakfast in bed. A full stomach and a good mattress can be strong motivators.

 

Kylo ended up refusing to let me wear the clothes I had on yesterday. He ends up putting me in a pair of basketball shorts, drawstring cinched tight to keep them on my hips, a baggy T-shirt of his, and a big sweatshirt that swallowed me up. He slid a pair of black sunglasses on my nose and we brushed our teeth together, sharing a tooth brush, but I thought that was better than not brushing them at all.

 

We rode around the city in his tinted-Black SUV. People would try to gaze in the windows when he parked to stop in a bodega, but they couldn’t see me through the dark, opaque glass. For some reason, I really liked that. I tucked my knees up in my sweatshirt and waited for him.

 

“You like Post Malone? Drake?” He asked as he headed south through the maze of yellow cabs and swerving commuters.

 

“I don’t know.” Mostly Mom listened to classic rock. Kylo hooked his phone to the auxiliary cord and deep bass played and a man’s voice crooned, rough but pretty, and I started bobbing my head to the beat.

 

“I’m going to teach you everything, Rey. You’re going to be such a badass.” He winked at me and I ducked my head to hide my smile. I shouldn’t listen to him, but I wanted so badly to believe his words.

 

——

 

Our days went much like that for the first few months I was with Kylo. Wake up, let him feed me. We go shopping and he picks out all of my clothes - I don’t care much for dresses but he picks a lot of those, and he dresses me every morning and combs my hair. I feel like a doll sometimes, not always in a good way. Sometimes, despite all the undeserved generosity, I want to scream at him. It gets old fast, riding around in his SUV all day, watching him disappear inside of buildings - sometimes for five minutes, the longest for three hours.

 

Once, he came out pale with specs of red all over his face and shirt, and he peeled out from the run down house and didn’t talk the rest of the day. Not when he gave me my nightly bath, not when his hand lingered between my legs, not when he held me in bed until I fell asleep.

 

I don’t know what he does, but I have a few guesses. Mom got roughed up a few times when she didn’t have the money to pay for what she was fronted. I think Kylo is more than a drug dealer.

 

Sometimes, he gets called by a man name Snoke. He locked me in the apartment for the first time, using a soothing voice and promising he’d be back soon. That first time, he came back with a package that he immediately stuffed away in a safe. The next, he had empty hands and a black eye, swollen lips, and I cried as I clung to him. I cried for him, and out of fear. What did he do to deserve that?

 

I don’t go back to school. Kylo wants to enroll me in one of those preppy places and makes me take worksheets in the SUV to get caught up so I’ll start eighth grade in the fall. I lolled around the backseat, trying to work out the math I hadn’t been taught yet, listening to Three 6 Mafia and Tupac while Kylo made his stops around town and smoked cigarettes. His dark gaze would find mine in the rear view mirror occasionally, he would smile.

 

I do feel safe, for the first time, around that point. I’m never hungry, at least not that hollow hungry, desperate and painful. I’m not scared that I’ll be sleeping in the park again, or waiting for someone to OD or come home from a drug run. I’m clean, I sleep in the same bed for months, and I’m happy. Maybe not happy, at the least peaceful. Kylo is weird and intense sometimes, but he made good on his promise so far. What more could a girl like me want?

 

——

 

My thirteenth birthday is in the heart of summer and now that I’m eating and gaining weight - though still very skinny, with tiny mosquito bite breasts and still no womanly hips - that my period comes that day. Kylo is always awake before me, drinking coffee and making breakfast and messing around on his phone. Sometimes we play Candy Crush together. I’m really good at beating the levels Kylo can’t get.

 

I padded into the big luxurious bathroom and pulled down my panties. I sat down and glanced between my knees and saw the dark red wet stain on the crotch of my underwear. I blinked a few times, staring, and then realized that I was obviously hemorrhaging and dying. I screamed for Kylo.

 

“What?! Rey, what’s -“ he skidded to a stop in front of me. His burnt umber eyes were wide, panicked, and he fell to his knees in front of me as tears fell down my cheeks.

 

“Kylo, Kylo,” I breathed. I pointed to the panties stretched around my knees and he stared for a few long moments, undistinguished emotions flitting over his face while I tried to breathe evenly.

 

“Rey, it’s ok,” he said, cupping my knees.

 

“I’m dying Kylo!” I sobbed harder, curling in on myself. I should’ve just stayed with Mom if I was only going to be ripped away cruelly from Kylo.

 

“No, you aren’t. It’s your period, Rey. Do you know what that is?” He sounded half amused and half impatient. I glanced up at him, shaking my head no. I had no idea what was happening. Kylo chuckled ruefully. “Your fucking mother, kid. Jesus.”

 

“I’m scared, Kylo.”

 

“Shh, it’s ok baby. I’ll draw a bath. I’ll clean you up. You’re ok, you aren’t dying,” Kylo soothed. He helped me out of my spiked panties, holding them carefully not to smear the blood and staring at them for a long moment. I stood shakily. My stomach kind of hurt, but not in a way I could identify - I didn’t need the bathroom and I wasn’t hungry. I watched Kylo start the bath and he held me step in and sink into the warm water.

 

“So a period is what happens when your body is ready for pregnancy. It’s part of puberty,” Kylo added. He carefully soaped me up, big hands sliding over my wet skin. Up my thighs in slow circles until he reached the soft, sparse hair that now covered my mound. Soft fingers stroked the outside of my most private parts, tender and gentle. It wasn’t even weird anymore. “It’s your body’s way of cleaning itself. If you were pregnant, you wouldn’t get one... so while it’s inconvenient, it’s a good thing. For now. You’ll get one every month.”

 

“What? It’s going to happen again?” I asked, appalled.

 

Kylo laughed. “It’s called Eve’s curse. Punishment for disobeying God and Adam, eating from the tree of knowledge. I’m sorry, Rey. But you’re a woman now.”

 

“It’s my birthday,” I reminded him. “I’m only thirteen.”

 

He sighed and pulled his hands out of the water and off my body. His shoulders sagged as he gazed at me, every inch of available skin before finding my own. “I know how old you are, kid. Trust me.”


	5. Chapter 5

V.

 

After my bath, Kylo shows me how to put a pad in a fresh pair of panties and sends me to the couch to watch TV while he finished his work. I couldn’t figure out exactly what he did, though my imagination was able to piece together information and decided he was a drug dealing goon. But Kylo was soft and sweet. He hand fed me and combed my hair and treated me like a fragile, delicate trinket that would shatter apart with the littlest bit of pressure.

 

After everything I’ve been through, it felt silly... but also like I was loved. More than my mother had ever shown me.

 

Kylo let me doze on the couch all afternoon. Once the sun began to set, he helped me get dressed. A white dress with thin straps that hugged me and flared at the waist. We watched YouTube tutorials until we figured out how to do a crown braid, and once Kylo was dressed in a pair of dark slacks and a dark gray button down that fit snug across the shoulders and arms, we left.

 

“Where are we going?” I asked for the hundredth time, bouncing in the passenger seat while Kylo smoked. He cast me a secretive little grin but wouldn’t tell. I’d never been so excited in my entire life. It felt like I was buzzing, skin flushed pink and cheeks aching from smiling so big.

 

The city at night time was truly magical. Towering skyscrapers and twinkling lights reflecting over Lake Michigan. People busking on street corners and cars honking and weaving through traffic. Kylo told me to close my eyes - I leaned across the console and hid my face in his chest as he chuckled.

 

“Have I ever told you how incredibly sweet you are?” Kylo asked, stroking my hair where it hung loose from my braid. His lips pressed to my temple as I snuggled close and inhaled his scent - spicy Right Guard and smoke, clean clothes. Sometimes when I’m home alone, I hide in our bed and inhale his pillow until the anxiety melts away. But I would never tell him that. I still haven’t decided whether I should all the way trust Kylo... but stunts like this, and after this morning with my period, I feel like he’s earning it.

 

He took me to a restaurant with outdoor seating on a big deck overlooking the lake. It’s near Navy pier but way less touristy. Little Lanterns hang from twine and glow in the dark night. People stared, but not in a bad way - maybe they thought he was my dad. I’m not sure how old Kylo is, but he’s much older than me. Maybe even thirty, I don’t know.

 

The waitress wears a crisp white button down and smiles flirtatiously at Kylo as she takes our drink order. “Shirley Temple for the lady, a glass of Merlot for me.” She asked to see his ID, and he obliged. Young enough to still get carded, I thought. Younger than my mom. I could just ask, but it feels weird to ask anything of Kylo when he’s given me so much.

 

“Let’s get filets,” Kylo said. “And salad. And -“

 

“French fries?” I asked hopefully.

 

“Whatever you want, Princess. Just eat your salad, too.” I rolled my eyes but smiled, too. Kylo was always obsessed with my diet. He’s obsessed with everything I do.

 

I liked when Kylo wore his hair down. It’s black and shaggy, brushing his shoulders, with a natural wave to it. His hands don’t seem so bigwhen he raked them through his locks. They span my back and waist, can almost wrap all the way around my thighs. Sometimes, when he thought I was asleep, Kylo would touch me. Walking his fingers up my calves, petting my hair, circling his finger around my nipple until it was a puckered point. It made something indescribable stir in my belly, halfway between bad and good. But if this was all he wanted, this was all he did - I owed him everything. It wasn’t awful. I kind of liked it.

 

The waitress returned with our drinks and took our dinner order. She tried to hang around to engage Kylo in conversation, but he ignored her. His dark amber eyes were trained only on me, and I flushed with happy warmth under his gaze.

 

“Some day, when you’re older,” Kylo said, reaching for both of my hands, “we’ll come back here.”

 

“Like how old? Old enough to order wine?” I quirked an eyebrow at him playfully.

 

“If we cant wait that long.” He lifted one hand to hold his wine, swirling it around, taking a sip. “I’m a patient man, Rey. But it’s not endless.”

 

Whatever that meant. “You could let me try some.”

 

“Yeah? Could I?” His eyes narrow and he glanced around. “Just a tiny one. For your birthday.” I snatched the glass by the stem and tipped the glass back until the last drop rolled down my throat.

 

I nearly gagged. It tasted strange and bitter. I grimaced as I gulped it down, where it sat heavy in my belly. I frowned.

 

“You deserves that,” Kylo said, eyes dancing, amused. “Wine - most alcohol - is an acquired taste. And you won’t acquire it any time soon.” He wasn’t mad. He never was mad at me.

 

We tucked into the salads as they arrived and discussed everything. Everything about me, anyway. Kylo didn’t talk about his work, not without a dark shadow stealing across his face like a storm cloud. I was endlessly curious - thirsty for more knowledge of him, a man that was becoming my savior - but knew well enough not to push. Not tonight. Not when he was smiling and laughing and teasing me. Not after he told me that I was becoming a woman.

 

We were working on our meat course (and my fries) when Kylo’s phone began to buzz from his jacket pocket. He sighed and pulled it out, frown deepened.

 

“I’m sorry Rey. I’ll be just a minute.” He rose from the table and stalked away, muttering into the phone. Our waitress reappeared suddenly, a fresh glass of wine for Kylo.

 

“You and your dad are super cute,” she gushed. “Must’ve had you young.” Her blue gaze was intense and not all friendly, despite her tone. “Where’s your mom?”

 

“He’s not my dad,” I muttered.

 

“Uncle, then? Big brother? Is he single?”

 

I blushed and glared at her. Kylo wasn’t single, but he was mine. The thought of him with another woman slashed through me like a dagger of white-hot jealousy. Of course I recognized it immediately. I was jealous of my classmates for having lunch money, for having clean clothes that weren’t riddled with holes and too small. Jealousy was an old friend of mine that I latched on to, glaring at the woman.

 

“He’s unavailable.” My voice was frosty. I couldn’t look at her as I filled with rage and despair. What if Kylo wanted a girlfriend? What would happen with us? Would he still keep me or would everything change? I bit my lip to hide it quivering and stared at my half-eaten filet.

 

“Too bad. He’s drop dead gorgeous. Here.” She slipped me a torn piece of paper with a number on it, and my fist snatched the paper off the table linen. “Tell him to call me. I’m Jessika.”

 

I would do no such thing. She deposited his wine and glided off to another table. I fought the strong emotions inside of me until Kylo returned, flopping into his seat with a long sigh.

 

“We have to go. I’m so sorry Rey.” He placed a hand over my fist and I tried even harder to calm down. “Snoke summoned me - you have to come. But you’re staying in the car with the alarm set. No fucking way you’re going in front of him.” The hand that wasn’t warm on my own scrubbed over his long face, looking so sad and drained.

 

Get it together for him, I instructed myself. Be good for Kylo. Strong for Kylo. Be whatever he needs from you.

 

“Ok. Let’s get out of here.” I stood and pulled Kylo up. He gave me a measuring look but nodded and dropped some bills on the table. I squeezed the paper in my fist tighter and followed Kylo out into the dark, sultry night.

 

If this was womanhood, I’m not sure I wanted it.

 

——

 

I was dozing in the front seat when the locks unlatched and Kylo’s door swung open. He climbed in, and I quickly started studying him, my small hands running over his arms and chest to check for injuries.

 

“No, no. I’m fine, sweetheart.” He caught my hand, pressed a smooch to the back of it, then started the engine.

 

“What did he want?” I asked in a tiny voice.

 

“Business. It’s not for you.” I didn’t miss the way his hands tightened on the wheel. It was nearly midnight, still bustling outside. Lights slid over the windows and we made good time out of the Loop to Lake View. I slumped against his side, reached for his hand. I forgot I was holding onto the waitress’ note, but Kylo peeled it off my warm palm, asking, “Hey, what’s this?”

 

“Our waitress wanted me to give it to you.. I’m sorry. I forgot.” My voice gives away precisely how sorry I’m not. Kylo chuckled.

 

“Don’t worry, Rey. You’re the only girl for me.” He loosed the paper out his window and I was brimming in relief as I cuddled over the middle console to be closer to him. It had only been three months. But I needed Kylo Ren, and suspected I always would.


	6. Chapter 6

VI.

 

Kylo Ren teaches me all kinds of things.

 

It starts after I’m enrolled at Francis W. Parker, a preppy school where I feel stupid and small in comparison to my aggressive, ambitious peers. I scamper to class and eat lunch alone for a while. I feel like no one understands what my life has been like, where I come from, the situation with Kylo. I can’t even explain that to anyone - what would I say? He’s my only friend, my confidant and my protector. He became everything, my whole world, all I need and all I want.

 

Kylo gets me a shaving kit - bright pink and girly, with scented cream and lotion that fills the bathroom with the smell of sugar cookies. He sits me on the lip of the tub, me naked and he in his boxers, both of us with our legs in the bath, and teaches me how to shave the fine half from my legs. We go slow and careful, I don’t want to cut myself, and Kylo watched through hooded eyes as I extended my leg and twisted to reach.

 

“You shave under your arms, too,” he told me. “Any hair on your body that you don’t like, you can shave.”

 

“Even... there?” I asked.

 

“Eventually. Leave it for now,” Kylo said. “It’s cute.”

 

“Okay, weirdo,” I laughed.

 

On Christmas Eve, he let me try eggnog with something else mixed in and my cheeks got warm and red. I had never had a tree before, so Kylo got me one. We strung popcorn and made homemade chains with construction paper to loop around the pine branches, along with gaudy rainbow lights and shiny bulbs and baubles. I wanted a star on top - not an angel - and Kylo lifted me easily despite my weight gain to top it off a few weeks before the big day.

 

“Did you ever believe in Santa?” Kylo asked as we laid with our heads under the tree, watching the lights blink and glow. It was magical under the tree, and I spent long hours stuck under there, daydreaming and wondering at my change in luck. Sometimes I wondered about Mom, about where she was and what she was doing. Getting high and long forgotten about me, most likely.

 

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, when I was a kid - but it was easier to believe he wasn’t real than believe I was so bad he couldn’t even bring me coal.” Kylo sucked in a sharp breath and squeezed the hand he had been holding. “Mom blames me for everything - and she was right, a lot of the time. If it weren’t for me, you know, it would’ve been easier for her to take care of herself. More luck at shelters and less food to buy.”

 

“Rey,” Kylo said. I turned my head to gaze at him. His face glowed blue, then green, and red, under the light. “You were never bad. Ever.”

 

“You weren’t there, Kylo. You don’t know.” I blinked back tears. “I was too - too needy. I asked for too much and she couldn’t - she tried hard for a long time, really..”

 

“And yet, she sold you. How can you defend her?” There was fire in his gaze as he stared at me, lip curling in disgust. “She knew what would happen to you. She knew what she was selling you for.”

 

“She’s my mother,” I whispered. “I can’t hate her.”

 

“You can. You absolutely can.”

 

“Without her, I never would’ve met you.” I shuffle carefully and gracelessly under the tree and tuck myself tight up against his side. Kylo sighed.

 

“I hope she dies. I hope she overdoses alone and unloved and never gets the chance to see you grow up.” I heard the emotion thickening his voice and making it rough. “I’ll kill her.”

 

“I love you,” I said. “I love her for giving me to you. Okay? Let’s just... leave it at that.”

 

“You really love me, Rey?” Kylo whispered.

 

“Of course. You’re my only person.” I craned my neck to look at him, and his big hand caught my jaw, forcing it further so our mouths were only inches apart. I felt his warm breath fan over my face.

 

“No matter what? You promise to always love me?” How did it turn so serious?

 

“I promise,” I replied. I couldn’t imagine anything that could change how I felt. What he meant to me. His lips brushed against mine, the barest touch of two mouths, soft and hardly enough. I gasped quietly.

 

“I love you too, Rey. We’ll never be alone again.”

 

 

 

 

 

——

 

happy turkey day my fellow Americans. Enjoy your gluttony.


	7. Chapter 7

VII.

 

Other things Kylo teaches me, either indirectly or on purpose:

 

Boys are bad news. All boys, except him.

 

Nineties music is far superior to modern releases.

 

If a steak is cooked well, I’m not supposed to smother it in A1 sauce.

 

It’s ok to have secrets, but not from each other.

 

 

I passed eighth grade with no friends and looked forward to a summer spent with just Kylo. His building had a pool. We talked about renting a sailboat and spending the day on the Lake, just the two of us. Pack a big picnic and just disappear.

 

Mostly, we ended up lying on the couch to beat the oppressive heat and humidity.

 

In June, Kylo came home from meeting with Snoke one night. It was late enough that I was already in bed, just in my panties and a new bra with actual cups and underwire for my slowly sprouting bosom. Chicago is hot, the humidity from the lake is smothering, and I was basking in the air conditioned chill as I dozed.

 

I heard his voice, and a woman’s. I froze, confused and frightened. Careful, I slithered out of bed and onto the plush carpet, peeking around the half wall downstairs. There was Kylo, and a woman, and I couldn’t believe it. I lied flat on my belly to watch as he lead her to the sofa, as their faces met and they kissed. Something ignited between my hips, a burning ache as I watched Kylo strip off his T-shirt. Of course I saw him shirtless all the time, but he was always aware of me watching. This time, I could drink in the smooth expanse of pale flesh, ripple of muscles beneath the pale.

 

He loomed over the woman. I watched him lie her back, her thighs around his hips as they pushed against her middle. It was like porn, except better. This was Kylo, handsome and big and strong and mine. Only, not with me.

 

His dark waves fell into his face and he raked a big hand through them as he devoured her neck. I hardly paid attention to her, the mystery woman. I could hear her whispering but not make out the words. Kylo would find me out if I dared get closer. Instead, I squirmed and held my breath and watched him strip her clothes away. Her breasts were huge and he dipped down to kiss them, big hands squeezing and kneading and I could have cried.

 

Of course he’d want a developed woman. How could my barely existent boobs compare? I should have looked away but I couldn’t. Kylo traveled further south, hiking up her skirt and planting his legs between her legs. I gasped in shock, instantly imagining his dark head between my coltish legs. A moment too late, I clasped my hand over my mouth. But he had heard - he stiffened and withdrew, gaze swinging up to the stairway.

 

I heard her ask, “What’s wrong, Kylo?” But he shook his head and they continued. I didn’t want to watch anymore, not with him knowing. But, like a train crash, I couldn’t look away. Soon his pants were gone and I stared at the long lines of his body, beautiful and terrifying at the same time. He sat on the couch, she climbed on his lap. He was facing the stairs and held her hips as she took his - rather large looking - penis into her body. This was more than our brief sex talk ever lead me to imagine. Better than porn because it was Kylo. I wanted to touch the pooling heat between my legs but was so frightened, afraid I would get busted. Instead, I clenched my thighs together as I watched. It sort of helped.

 

Kylo gripped her ass and bit his lip. I could imagine her breasts bouncing in his face as her hips shifted, up and down. She was loud until Kylo covered her mouth with his hand. “Shut up,” he hissed. She continued to thrust against him and Kylo slumped back against the dark leather, thighs flexing as they rocked. How long would it last?

 

As if he were telepathic, Kylo moved her around until she was face down on the couch. He pulled her hips up and smacked her bottom as he sank into her. I was grinding against the floor, a pitiful attempt for relief, a needy mess and I watched him pound into her. Over and over and over. I trembled with want. It seemed like an eternity before he threw his head back, dark waves swinging, and thrust in one last time. He was cumming, I realized, the ecstatic look on his face beautiful and thrilling, shooting heat straight to my aching core. I could have cried.

 

Instead, as they pant together, I wiggle back into bed as quietly as I can. I hold my breath and shift my hand between my thighs. I’m too worried about making a sound to really get satisfaction. I’ve tried before but with Kylo, I don’t get much privacy. I’ve never had an orgasm.

 

I gave up with a huff and curled into a ball of frustration. So often, it felt like I was on the cusp of something, and I couldn’t do it alone. I needed Kylo for everything, even this - but how would I ask him? I couldn’t do anything for myself after a year together. The first twelve I had no choice but to depend on myself. Frustrated tears wet my pillowcase. I don’t even hear Kylo until he’s on top of me.

 

“Like the show, Rey?” he purred. He rolled me onto my back and forced my arms up over my head. I shook my head, no. “Aw, how come?” He’s being playful, leaning down to nuzzle my throat with his long nose.

 

“I don’t like seeing you - with someone else.” I’m ashamed and humiliated but we don’t keep things from each other.

 

“Jealous? Of her?” Kylo rested his weight over me, heavily pushing me into the mattress.

 

“You fucked her..”

 

“So? I kicked her out and took a shower. You’re still my girl.” His lips felt so soft and hot on my skin and I shivered. “I love you Rey. I’m gonna marry you and fuck you and give you a dozen babies. But in the mean time...”

 

“You can fuck me,” I whispered. He groaned against my chest.

 

“Say it again. Say fuck again.”

 

“Fuck,” I replied. I giggled as he moaned and rolled us until I was straddling his waist. Something felt off about him, I couldn’t tell what but it was different than normal. Kylo always wanted to talk about things, about why I couldn’t do X or how he had to do Y because of Z. Analyzing things into the ground. Tonight he touched me everywhere, not always gentle, skin warm and dewy under my fingertips as he let me reciprocate. The tingling, clenching in my private’s was back and I throbbed, hungrily. I clung to his shoulders as I loomed atop him.

 

“I know you’re horny. But we have to wait... have to wait a bit, just a little bit longer.” His thumbs stroked over my ribcage.

 

“Please help me,” I whined. I rocked my hips against his abs - Kylo hissed when he felt to wet crotch of my panties on his skin.

 

“Fuck, Rey - you smell so good.” Strong hands lifted me, scooted me back so that our middles were lined together. I felt his erection against my thigh and shudders. “Do it, get yourself off on me.” He cupped my ass but didn’t move me anymore. Kylo watched, umber eyes hooded, expecting me to ride him like the woman had. “Just grind that sweet pussy against me until you cum, Princess.”

 

I tried to. I planted my hands on his muscular tummy and tried to grind but my legs were weak. It felt good, good enough to keep me going, and I tested different angles until I found the perfect one. Pleasure lanced through me with my hips tilted forward, a special spot rubbing again Kylo that made my breath come out faster, harsher. I was panting as I frantically mashed my crotch against him. Kylo laid, hands on my hips loosely, watching the whole thing. As I degraded myself for the heat and building desire, building and building and finally taking me somewhere.

 

“Kylo,” I whimpered. “I think - it’s happening...” suddenly, I crashed over the peak and my body went taut as the muscles inside of me rhythmically clenched down on nothing. It felt so good - like fireworks and Java chip ice cream cones, opening presents and that first bite of crab Rangoon. I exploded. I shivered and moaned, my eyes squeezed shut as I panted through the flood of sensation.

 

Kylo held me as I shook. I was sleepy afterwards. “I love you, Rey. I love only you. Sometimes I have to keep up appearances to keep you safe. I love you.”

 

I nodded into his neck, sated and exhausted. Kylo would never hurt me. Not on purpose, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for spending the day with me reading this dumpster fire, guys.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit

VIII.

 

The week after school began - me starting high school, it’s making Kylo kind of crazy and possessive - I rode along for a day of errands and Kylo got a call that made him curse before answering. I watched as he leaned back and spoke.

 

“Hello, sir... yes, I just picked up ... You - you want me to come now? You want me to bring her? ... I’m on the south side, but.. of course - of course... yes, I’ll be there soon. Goodbye.” Short conversation but his expression is worried and his face drained of color.

 

“What is it?” I asked. I’m wearing cut off shorts and a tank top, no bra (it’s still not always necessary and I liked the way Kylo looked at my chest, I liked catching him looking at my chest). My long brown hair is piled on my head in messy pigtail buns, and I’ve got on pink, heart-shaped sunglasses. Kylo has hissed at me as we rode the lift down to the parking garage beneath the building, called me a nymphet - I think he meant nympho, which if I am, is completely his fault.

 

We haven’t gone further than the whole me-grinding-on-Kylo thing. But we do it a lot, almost every night before bed. I might be addicted to it, to him. He just lies beneath me, hands folded behind his head, hard inside his sweats or underwear, hooded eyes watching me bring myself to orgasm with my private girl parts rubbing against him. Kylo calls everything by their actual names, but something about the word pussy or cock makes me blush to the roots of my hair. I can’t say them yet, which is why Kylo claimed I’m not ready to go further.

 

“Snoke wants to meet you. I... God Rey, I wanted to shield you from him as long as I could.” Kylo slams his fist on the dash with a crack - the plastic molding breaks. I flinched back at the sound. “Son of a bitch!”

 

“Are you ok?” I gasped, flying into action. I unbuckled myself and perched on my knees, cradling his hand to my chest.

 

“No, I’m not fucking ok!” He sucked in a few deep breaths before snatching his hand back and lighting a cigarette. He settled sunglasses on his nose and didn’t turn towards me as he spoke. “Take your hair down - it looks too fucking young. I knew I shouldn’t have let you out without a bra. Now Snoke and Hux and the rest of the order are gonna see those fucking tits-“ Kylo isn’t even talking to me anymore, he’s ranting to himself while I scrambled to follow his commands. “Those are my pretty ducking tits, Rey, you gotta stop dressing like a kid, I swear to God.”

 

“I-I’m sorry, Kylo.” My chin wobbled with the threat of tears. We roared down the city streets, darting between lanes and running red lights to make better time.

 

“I’ve got six keys in the truck and a fucking fourteen year old girl dressed like a hooker,” Kylo muttered under his breath. He exhaled and shook his head. “Keep it together, Ben. Keep it fucking together.”

 

“Ben?” I asked.

 

“Shut up, Rey. Just shut the fuck up.”

 

I did. We parked in front of a building we frequently stopped at. Kylo cut the engine and I waited for him to grab something from the way back then open my door. His eyes danced over my still slender form - absently, he licked his lips and jerked his head toward the building. “Come on, Lolita. Keep your mouth shut.” He held out his hand and I clung to him, stumbling through the heavy glass door into the art-deco style foyer. The doorman nodded at Kylo before sliding a card through the reader and hitting a button to call for the lift. Everything was over the top, retro-fancy. The elevator was done in pink and mint and mirror.

 

Kylo and I reflected back at each other. He was tall, dark, and brooding; I was small, slender, terrified. My hazel eyes were wide as saucers, the color drained from my freckled face.

 

Before we stepped out, Kylo dropped my hand. “I’m sorry if I have to say or do anything to hurt you, Rey. Just go along with it - no matter what - and we’ll be ok. Just trust me. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Kylo.”

 

——

 

Snoke is different than I imagined. Way old, like grandfather time with wisps of cotton-candy hair sprouting around his lined, thin skin. I could see every vein in his translucent scalp, each wrinkle in his face. His eyes were cold and dark, red-rimmed. But they were sharp - he was sharp - and Kylo stride across the expensive, over-decorated home to fall at his boss’ feet. I trotted to keep up behind.

 

“Master,” Kylo said reverently. He kept his dark head bowed as he dropped the duffle to the floor in front of him. “Six kilos of China White. 80% purity.”

 

“Good boy, Kylo. But I’m more interested in the girl.” It was dark but cool, my nipples puckered up but not on display. Kylo sat back on his heels and glanced over his broad shoulder at me, and I took the hint to come closer. He rose up beside me like a mountain over a hill. I wanted to touch him, to steady myself. I didn’t dare.

 

“So this is the child you’ve been hiding from me. Plain little thing, isn’t she? Hmm.” Smoke pushed himself up from his seat, stalking closer to me, more spritely than I imagined him to be. He wears a velour track suit in dark red, and circles around us making old man sounds.

 

“I would’ve brought her sooner, if I knew you’d be interested in her.” Kylo’s voice sounded flat, disconnected, to my ears.

 

“I’m interested in you, Kylo. Making sure you don’t get sloppy. If she’s a distraction...” he left the rest of his sentence unspoken.

 

“No, master. Her summer vacation just recently ended, and with her in school, she’s less clingy.” A pang shot through my chest - he found me clingy?

 

“Good. Because Kylo,” Snoke said, suddenly lurching toward me and wrapping an arm around my throat. It was tight, I could barely squeak. “I’d hate if something happened to her because you weren’t thinking with the right head.” His gnarled, liver-spotted hand groped my small breast, tugging hard on the nipple as I sobbed out a breath.

 

Kylo’s face remained impassive, almost bored. “Of course, master. You know best.”

 

His free hand snuck down to palm my ass through my high-waisted jean shorts for a few moments as tears tracked down my cheeks. This wasn’t how it was with Kylo - how could he stand there and let this disgusting freaky grandpa touch me? I wanted to scream but I swallowed the urge, crumpling to the floor when Snoke released me and shivering uncontrollably.

 

“Ah, I see now. She cries so pretty, doesn’t she? Lovely.”

 

I wanted to curse him out, and Kylo in that moment. Him letting another man molest me was worse than Snoke actually touching me. Emotionless. Nothing, uncaring. I wanted to be sick.

 

“Here’s your money,” Snoke said, tossing a thick envelope at a Kylo. “Take your pet home and lick her wounds. Maybe we’ll play another day.”

 

“Thank you, master.” Kylo didn’t count the cash, just stuffed it in the waistband of his jeans and dropped his T-shirt to hide it. He knelt down and hauled me up by the arm and dragged me back to the lift. Without another word, he pushed me inside. I stumbled and fell hard on my knees and palms, hissing out at the sting while fresh sobs broke loose.

 

The doors slid shut and instantly, Kylo dropped into a crouch beside me and dragged me to his chest. I shoved him away.

 

“Fuck you!” I spat, scrambling back into the corner.

 

“Rey, I told you -“

 

“You never said he would touch me,” I whimpered. There was venom on my voice and Kylo flinched like they hurt. “You said you loved me, but - but if you loved me - you wouldn’t stand by while... while..”

 

“Please, Rey! He’d kill you! He’d rape you and kill you and make me watch.. I hated it. Don’t you think I hated it just as much as you?” Kylo paced around, pulling wildly at his hair. I tried to make myself as small as possible.

 

When the doors slid open, Kylo growler and picked me up. Nowhere else to go, I curled into his chest and let myself sob into his chest. The doorman, unaffected, held the door open as we swept through.


	9. Chapter 9

IX.

 

Kylo only let me go to drive. Once we reached home, he carried me up the lift and into his loft, kicking the door shut behind him. He carried me straight to bed. I let him, too weak to even cry, never mind protest.

 

Kylo was all I had. No friends at school or outside - even when I lived with Mom, I had people that I sat at lunch with, studied with. But at Parker I’m a nobody, I fly under the radar on purpose. To keep Kylo out of trouble, to keep us together. It was necessary, and worth it if things didn’t change.

 

So, even though he couldn’t - didn’t - protect me from Snoke, I didn’t want to leave. I just wanted him to make me feel safe again.

 

“Take this,” Kylo said, handing me a little round pill and a glass of water. I didn’t question it, just obeyed, then guzzled down the rest of the glass. I was dehydrated from crying so much and the water was cool and soothing on my raw throat.

 

I slumped back on the bed and Kylo started to undress me. He popped the button on my jeans and drew the zipper down before tugging them roughly down my legs and tossing them over his shoulder. My shirt went next, and he rolled me into my stomach like I was a piece of furniture. It wasn’t the gentle touches, hesitant and reverent, like usual.

 

I shuddered out a sigh as his big hands started to rub my shoulders and back. He sat on my butt, at least mindful to rest his muscular weight on his knees, as he started to massage me.

 

“Snoke is a bad guy, Rey. I didn’t want you to ever meet him, I swear.” His voice made me feel like molten butter. I sank into the bed. As he worked the loose muscles in my back, I listened to his deep, lulling voice. “I knew I couldn’t hide you forever, though. I don’t know who ratted me out, but I’ll find them. They will pay.”

 

I moaned out as his fingers dug into my lower back, the dimples right above my panties. “Smoke likes to use any weakness to his advantage. Now that he knows about you... things are probably gonna be harder. I’m going to have to work harder, Rey. I’ll be around less.”

 

“No,” I whimpered. I felt dizzy without the room tilting around me. Just... loose. Detached. It was kind of amazing. “I want you more, not less.”

 

Kylo chuckled and I felt his lips on my shoulder blade. “Me too, sweetheart.” The weight and heat of his broad chest pressed on my spine and I shivered. It felt so good, so right, even if I was still upset. A flash of Snoke’s crinkled old face made me whimper pitifully and tense up.

 

“I’ll do whatever I need to make you trust me again, Rey. I can’t lose you. You’re everything to me, I love you so much.” I felt something hard against my butt and realized he was excited. From touching me? I pushed my hips back clumsily, all of my movements felt like I was underwater and slow-motion. Kylo groaned and pushed his hips down, simultaneously pinning and grinding on me bottom through my panties and his clothes.

 

“Who is Ben?” I asked as he panted into my neck. “You said Ben... in the car...” He grabbed at my hip to angle my hips to his liking and rutted against me. Kylo never got off with me, at least not when I was aware of it. The fact that he was now ratcheted up my dormant arousal, and I felt my panties getting wet as I clenched my thighs together.

 

“My parents named me Ben.” He hunched over me and snaked a hand down the front of my panties. “You soaked, Rey. All for me.”

 

I gasped when his fingers connected with that magical spot I found while rocking on his hardness the first time, the special place in my private parts that makes me tingle and shiver. I moaned - loud to my ears but helpless to stop - as his fingers rolled around the slick nub. It was a hundred times better than grinding myself on him, and I’m so close to the edge that tears prick at my eyes.

 

“You’re fucking perfect, Rey. I’m going to love you forever.” He sucked at my neck and that felt good too. His - cock - thrusting in the cleft of my ass while his fingers plucked and slid over me was too much and I moaned his name, over and over, until we both were cumming. I wanted to see Kylo’s face but settled for the hot spurts that he exploded over my skin.

 

“Jesus,” he grunted. I heard his moving around and then he was wiping me up. I felt even more relaxed than before, eyelids heavy. I fell asleep on my belly, Kylo wrapped around me, feeling sated and content despite the earlier horror of the day. We lived in our own world, in this perfect bubble. I never wanted to leave.

 

——

 

The next few weeks were tense. Kylo, when he wasn’t delivering drugs or picking up payments, sat in the SUV outside of school, waiting for the bell to release me. My workload was getting more intense, thanks to being in a fancy private school and now high school. He refused to leave me alone, not even for a couple minutes, and started dragging me along as he exited the vehicle to do Snoke’s dirty work.

 

I saw a colorful array of people on our adventures. Single mom’s with too many kids in crowded, dirty apartments. Wealthy men who eyed me in my knee socks and plaid skirts as they exchanged money for drugs. Thugs, regular dudes that looked like they were probably in a bowling league, women on street corners. Sometimes little vials and sometimes little envelopes of powder. I didn’t ask what they were, I didn’t care to know. Kylo said that Snoke had put him back on the lowest rung, collecting, to remind him how far he’d come since his early days. Kylo, though I knew he loathed it, just went about business as usual. As long as he had me, he said he would shovel manure and scrape gum off the movie theater floors. As long as he had me, nothing else mattered.

 

We spent long afternoons cruising the city. Singing all of our favorites - “Big Poppa,” “Half on a Sack,” “I’m Different,” dancing along like nothing was wrong. Dipping French fries in our Frosty’s and pretending, as long as we could, that those moments would stretch on forever.

 

One day, sitting in rush hour stand-still traffic heading out of the Loop, Kylo told me to open the glove compartment. I did, expecting napkins and ketchup packets and car paperwork, but instead found a gun.

 

“Under that,” he said. I shifted the metal with shaking hands and found a long velvet box. I pulled it out, side-eyeing him curiously.

 

“What’s this?” I asked, sliding my finger over the hinge, nervous to open it.

 

“I wanted to give you a present,” Kylo said, smirking at my obvious excitement, though I was trying to hide it. “Go on.”

 

I snapped the lid up and gasped. Nestled in blue velvet on a delicate silver chain was a sparkly, diamond encrusted, heart shaped locket. “Whoa,” I said, lifting it out. I opened it up and inside was a tiny picture of Kylo, handsome but not smiling, and I giggled.

 

“I wanted you to have me on you always. This was easier than a tattoo,” he added with a laugh.

 

“I love it! Like, oh my god, I love it! Thank you!” I threw my arms around his neck and smacked a smooch on his cheek loud and wet. He squeezed me to his side. I sank down in my seat and clasped it on after a few tries, and flipped down the visor to study how it looked in the mirror. The locket hung right between my breasts, hidden under my clothes.

 

“I love you, Rey.”

 

“I love you more, Kylo. Forever.”


	10. Chapter 10

X.

 

Christmas vacation meant two weeks with no school and more Kylo. The months slipped by like snowflakes fluttering by the windows; I was somehow passing my classes, Kylo was working himself back into Snoke’s good graces without my involvement, and we had another tree to decorate. This year, I wanted to do blue and white, after too many hours on Pinterest, but Kylo was game and helped my vision come to life. We still laid under the tree to watch the lights, and it felt just as special as last year.

 

Maybe even more. Kylo and I were closer than ever. He helped me shop for bras when my boobs decided to grow a cup size, ignoring the looks from the women at Victoria’s Secret - a mixture of “aw, what a good dad,” to straight up jealousy directed at me. It made me nervous, but Kylo had whispered in my ear to ignore them, that they wanted what we had, and they would never understand.

 

A new girl came to school. Her name was Kaydel and she smoked cigarettes between classes, which she sometimes skipped. We had a French together and sat together at a table with our “French names” on placards in front of us. She was Dominique, I was Gabrielle. Sometimes we joked about changing our identities and running away, leaving high school behind us to rob banks, become strippers, sell handmade jewelry to pay our way backpacking around Europe. She was my first and only friend at Francis W Parker and I think it was because neither of us really fit in.

 

Christmas Day, I woke Kylo early by kissing his face, every inch of it. Eyelids, forehead, cheeks, chin, nose. He smiled as he swam towards consciousness.

 

“Santa came,” I whispered, straddling his stomach and tickling my fingers up his ribs. “Please, Kylo! Wake up!”

 

“I’m up, Princess. Let’s go.” His deep, sleep-roughened voice was my favorite. I nuzzled under his chin, the dark scratchy hairs the popped up overnight until he shaved, giggling as he rolled me onto my back and growled playfully.

 

Once we got downstairs, Kylo put on coffee and I clapped excitedly as I gazed at all the packages stuffed under the tree. I had to go online to get anything for Kylo. He never let me out of his sight. With Snoke easing off his back, it was getting better. But he was as possessive as ever, so Amazon became my much less crowded version of the mall.

 

“Here, you first,” I said once Kylo folded himself beside me on the rug. I shoved a present into his hands and he smiled.

 

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Rey. Spending every day with you is more than enough for me.” I blushed and rolled my eyes.

 

“Open it, dork.”

 

I struggled so hard to find something for him. What do you buy your drug-dealing guardian that fingers you nightly? In the end, I settled on a pair of dark leather gloves that - when I opened the package - felt like butter against my skin. For some insane reason, I wondered what they would feel like on my... pussy. I was trying to force myself to say the dirtiest words I could think of. Kaydel swore all the time, I didn’t want her to think I was lame.

 

I also got Kylo a cool techy present that he opened first. “Heartbeat rings,” he read off the box.

 

“So no matter how far apart we are, you can always feel my heart beat and know I’m ok!” I beamed up at him happily. For a few long moments, Kylo was silent. The muscle in his jaw worked and clenched - I thought he hated it.

 

“Rey,” he said, setting the package on the coffee table and gathering me into his arms. I clung to him like a koala bear, face pressed into his warm neck. “It’s perfect. Thank you, sweetheart...”

 

“I thought it would make you feel better. When I’m like, at school and stuff.” I shrugged into his embrace and felt him nod against my tangled hair.

 

“You’re such a thoughtful kid.”

 

“Not a kid, but thank you.” I kissed his neck and sat back to examine the remaining mountain of gifts, mostly addressed to me, and Kylo laughed as I started digging in.

 

Clothes, and gift cards for Ben and Jerry’s; passes to the Aquarium and a Chicago Bulls T-shirt (Kylo was a fab and claimed they always won if I wore their gear on game days). A shiny new iPhone in rose gold with a Hello Kitty case. Piles of new panties in all different styles. New Doc Martins in a floral pattern. I gasped and giggled and thanked him over everything until there were no presents left to open, just swathes of torn wrapping paper and Kylo, shirtless and warm and happy, cuddled beside me on the couch. We were getting my new phone set up - no social media, Kylo insisted, just so he could text me and call me whenever he wanted - when there was a knock on the door.

 

Instantly, Kylo was on his feet and reaching towards the top of the bookshelf, sliding out a gun and turning off the safety. I gasped at him, shocked - I didn’t know we had a gun in the loft - and heeding his command to hide. He racked the gun and I scampered up the stairs to hide behind the half wall of our bedroom.

 

I heard him open the door as I wiggled under the bed. My heart was thudding hard in my chest and I covered my mouth to muffle my harsh breaths. No one ever came to our door. It couldn’t be good.

 

“Hux.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Kylo. Invite me in.”

 

I couldn’t see but their voices carried, and I tended under the mattress as my heart pounded.

 

What felt like hours but was probably only minutes, I heard a Kylo stomp up the stairs. I scooter out of my hiding spot. He looked furious. “We have a guest. Get dressed.”

 

Hux worked for Snoke. I remembered the redhead man from that fateful day my mother decided to sell me. He would report back to Snoke on whatever he saw, no doubt. I carefully pulled on a pair of pajama pants that hung loose and hid my shape, a roomy hoodie over that. Kylo looked pleased and snuck a quick kiss to my forehead, muttering a thank you, love you, be good, before we descended the stairs.

 

Hux sat on the couch, blunt in one hand as he eyed all the presents. He quirked an eyebrow at Kylo, lips curling in a smirk. “Spoiling your pet, I see? Terribly sorry to interrupt.”

 

“What can I do for you, Armitage?” Kylo sat on the couch, and I slipped down by his feet. I snatched my new phone and fiddled with it for something to do with my hands, so I wouldn’t have to look at Hux’s mean, pasty face.

 

“Can’t I visit an old friend? And his ridiculously underage... hostage? Girlfriend? Well, labels are out these days anyway.” I peeked yo through my lashes, watching as he produced a lighter and lit the blunt. The skunky scent of good weed filled the house - I knew Kylo loved to be stoned, but preferred edibles as I didn’t like the scent. He had candies all over the place.

 

“Had no one else to spend Christmas with?” Kylo asked, plucking the blunt from Hux and taking a big, deep hit. I liked watching the smoke curl from his full lips, and he grinned down at me. “Wanna get high, Rey?”

 

“Really?” I asked, swiveling onto my knees to face him. Kylo never let me do drugs. He said that I was too young, the same reason I got for everything.

 

“Consider it Hux’s Christmas present.” He cupped my jaw and pressed the unlit end between my lips, telling me to inhale. It was a charged moment, my hazel eyes peering into his amber, him telling me to take a deep breath and let the smoke fill my lungs... I coughed and smoke poured from my mouth like a dragon. They both laughed as I gasped and banged my fist on my chest. It tasted earthy, not as bad as it smelled, and after it was passed back to me again I sort of melted against Kylo’s legs. I felt light and warm, and I couldn’t stop smiling.

 

No wonder Kylo liked it so much. I crawled on the couch, curling against Kylo’s chest and lazing on him like a fat cat in a spot of sunshine.

 

“Is this what you do all day? Isn’t that sweet.” Hux laughed unkindly. I turned my nose into Kylo’s still bare chest as he stroked circles on my back.

 

“You have no idea what it’s like, Hux. She trusts me. She needs me. I’m her only person in the world. That connection is.. unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.” Kylo sighed and I felt his lips on my hair.

 

“Seems rather complicated for some pussy.”

 

“I haven’t even fucked her, Hux. She’s too small.” Kylo laughed; Hux must’ve been making a delightfully surprised expression. “It’s more than sex. Her whole life and survival depends on me. You don’t understand that power. Watching her blossom from a scared, starved child to a woman will be the most satisfying moment of my life. She’ll be ruined for any man but me, because I made her.”

 

I didn’t understand. Too sleepy, too comfy, too snuggled up with Kylo and his killing voice.

 

“You’re a sick fuck, Ren. That’s some complicated sex game fuckery. No wonder Snoke is happy with you again.” They both laughed at that. “All this time... I thought you might love her.”

 

Kylo didn’t respond. His hand stilling on my back, sliding to squeeze my hip. But I was already asleep, content and peaceful. Best Christmas ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to sorta convey Kylo’s motivations without giving it all away. This is what he tells Hux, who will tell Snoke. The best lies have a kernel of truth, so just jot that down and let me know what you think.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild f/f in here, if you squint.

XI.

 

Kaydel wanted me to come over for spring break, but I knew Kylo would never go for it. We shared a bed every night for the past two years, almost. I didn’t want to sleep without him, either.

 

“Can Kaydel sleep over?” I asked after school the day she brought it up. Kylo glared at me from the driver’s seat as he slowed at a red light. “We’ll sleep on the sofa. Say you’re my uncle or something. But pleeeease?”

 

“What if Snoke calls me? How will you explain that?”

 

“Lots of people work on call odd hours,” I said with a shrug. I’d been trying to think of his excuses to say no and counter argue them all day. I was ready.

 

“What if you get horny?” He smirked at me, one side of his mouth lifting in a half smile. “I won’t be able to take care of you.”

 

I blushed and looked out the window. “I’ll just get in bed with you after she falls asleep.” I felt his pulse spike absently in our matching slate rings and tried not to smile. “Kaydel is the first friend I’ve ever had, Kylo, please. It’ll mean so much to me, and she’s really cool and polite...” the latter was a blatant lie and Kylo knew it. I’d recounted all her antics from French class before. But he still sighed and shot me a warm look.

 

“Fine... I don’t have a good feeling about this,” he said darkly, hitting his blinker to turn off Michigan Ave. Wu Tang Clan hummer low from the speakers.

 

“What happens at a sleep over? What do we do?”

 

“I’ve never been a teenage girl, but I’m remembering prank calling boys, watching girly movies and pizza. No boys, but the other two options are fine.” He laughed at my owlish look before I was bouncing in my seat, buzzing with excitement. I pulled out my cherished phone and texted Kaydel to tell her the good news. She sent back a string of nonsense emojis that I interpreted as her own excitement.

 

——

 

A week later, Kaydel followed me to the student pick up/drop off circle, backpack stuffed with things for our overnight. Tonight started spring break, and other than our overnight Kylo had big things planned. He wouldn’t tell me, of course, claiming it was a surprise. I didn’t care as long as our sleepover happened.

 

We both got in the back seat, which made Kylo huff a sigh behind his Ray Ban sunglasses.

 

“You didn’t tell me you have a chauffeur. How fancy,” Kaydel gushed. We both had our hair in her trademark pigtail buns, wanting to match.

 

“That’s not my - that’s Kylo,” I said, giggling.

 

“Oh, your uncle-guardian dude. Sorry, sir.” Kaydel blushed slightly and Kylo grumbled as he pulled off. I had planned everything - I begged Kylo to get matching pajama outfits and he would order pizza. Kaydel brought over make up palettes and we would do make overs while watching Mean Girls, Sixteen Candles, and the Office. I was so excited - I’d never had anyone other than Kylo, and his enthusiasm for these things (especially make up) simple couldn’t compare to Kaydel.

 

I’d explained mine and Kylo’s situation as best I could without going into too much detail or lying. I’m an awful liar. I don’t need Kylo to tell me that.

 

Kaydel gasps when she sees our loft and proclaims it “very cool.” I’m pleased and blushed and we tossed our bags by the door, giggling and shrieking as I show her the pajamas I picked out. We go into the bathroom to change.

 

“Your uncle is like, super hot,” Kaydel told me as we shimmied into Hello Kitty shorts and hot pink tank tops that matched. I tried not to look as she took off her bra, her full breasts bouncing out. They were much bigger than mine with darker pink nipples. I glanced away while unhooking my own bra and pulling on the shirt, pretending my cheeks weren’t burning.

 

Maybe inviting Kaydel was a bad idea. Maybe Kylo would find her more attractive than me, and maybe he would change his mind about loving me, about us against the world.

 

“You have like, the cutest body,” Kaydel said, drawing me out of my spiraling thoughts. “I wish my boobs were perky like yours.” She cupped one, making me gasp in shock, palming the weight and giggling. “They’re so cute.”

 

“Yours are a lot bigger,” I grumbled.

 

“Aw, don’t worry. With Daddy Warbucks out there, I’m sure you could get implants in a couple years. Meanwhile,” she said, turning to face the mirror hanging over the double sinks, “mine are going to sag by the time I’m twenty five and I have stretch marks, too.”

 

My eyeballs nearly fell out when she lifted her shirt, twisting around and posing. I must have been staring because she laughed and grabbed my hand, cupping my palm around the soft globe. A familiar spark flickered low in my belly as her nipple pebbled under my loose grip.

 

“Oh, we should totally take pics of this!” And the moment was fortunately broken. She fixed her shirt and started rambling about a guy in our grade, Poe Dameron, and how he would drool seeing us so matchy. I didn’t know about that, but I followed her direction and we made kissy faces, stuck our tongues out, and laughed while taking selfies, until Kylo knocked on the door.

 

“Fun police,” Kaydel murmured and I covered my smile as we stepped out.

 

“Well are you two adorable,” Kylo said, but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I felt my cheeks heat up, remembering Kaydel’s breast in my hand. I would tell him later, even though I could tell he wouldn’t like that.

 

“Thanks Uncle Kylo,” Kaydel said, doing a little spin and knocking into me.

 

“I have some business, Rey. I’ll send you a pizza around six, if I’m not back. Okay?” Dark amber eyes swirled with unreadable emotion. I nodded, biting my lip.

 

“Be safe,” I called as he grabbed his leather jacket and headed out. I quickly dead bolted the door behind him.

 

“Ugh, he’s so hot. Like, how tall is he? Does he work out?” Kaydel flopped on the sofa while I tip toed to the TV to turn it on. I didn’t like her talking about Kylo like that. He was mine, but I felt my grip on him slipping. Who knew where he was going tonight? I should never invited this interloper in.

 

But I liked Kaydel, and as we binged the Office and she dragged out her make up, I loosened up. It was easy to pretend this wasn’t foreign territory for me. She laughed at how bad my makeup skills were (I’d not yet successfully talked Kylo into letting me wear any), and we were both surprised at how different I could look with a full face of make up. I discreetly took a selfie and sent it to Kylo. He never responded.

 

Much later, after our pizza came (Kaydel said that’s how all the old pornos started), we were under throw blankets, cozy on the couch. I was sleepy, worried a little about Kylo, when Kaydel asked, “are you a virgin, Rey?”

 

I remembered my mom telling Hux I was, asa selling point. Despite dry humping Kylo nightly, we never went further than that. We’d never even made out. It was strange, now that I considered it. But I told Kaydel yes, i was.

 

“I’m not,” she whispered. “I had sex with Poe.”

 

“Really? Why?” Poe was ok, I guess - but no one could compare to Kylo. Especially not high school guys that couldn’t even drive.

 

“I don’t know. I was bored, and he wanted to... it wasn’t like in the movies.” She sighed. “But it’s not terrible, either. So don’t get your hopes up.”

 

We were both pondering, silent, until I heard her soft breathing even out and knew she was asleep. I grabbed my phone and entered my pin to open it. Kylo still hadn’t texted, but I could feel his heartbeat on my ring.

 

Come home, I texted. Within minutes, he did.

 

We snuck upstairs and Kylo pulled me into his lap on the bed. I cuddled against him, instantly relieved to have him with me.

 

“Have fun with your friend?” Kylo asked, stroking up and down my spine. I shivered.

 

“She’s ok. She’s not you, though.” I smiled as he squeezed me tighter. “Did you like my picture I sent?”

 

“Of course, I love every picture you send.” Warm breath on my ear. “But you don’t need make up. You’re beautiful without it.”

 

“It was just for fun.”

 

“Mmm. What else did you do?”

 

I chewed my lip and pulled back so I was straddling him, but able to see him in the dim light from the windows. “Kaydel touched my boob. And made me touch her’s. When we were changing.” I sighed, the weight off my shoulders a relief, but waiting for Kylo’s reaction made my chest clench anxiously.

 

“What did you think?” Kylo asked, face neutral.

 

“Um.. well, I - I was jealous at first, because they’re so much bigger than mine. But.. it was really soft and kind of squishy.” I giggled quietly, blushing and covering my face. “Are you mad?”

 

“I’m not happy,” he replied. I peeked through my fingers. “I think it’s natural to be curious about bodies, especially as you go through puberty. However, this,” he said, hissing through his teeth and sliding a hand between our bodies to cup my sex, “belongs to me.”

 

My mind was wiped blank at the pressure of his fingers. “Y-yes, Kylo,” I murmured, brainless. “I’m all yours.”

 

“Every inch?” One long finger stroked the seam of my shorts, quickly growing damp. I bit my lip to contain my moans.

 

“All of me,” I responded. With a growl, Kylo flipped us and pinned me under him. Quickly, he rucked my shirt up so my small breasts were exposed, and dipped down to suck at my nipples. He’d never done this before, and I arched against the overwhelming sensation. It shot straight to my core, and I clenched around nothing. I made a needy noise.

 

“No one else will ever make you feel like I do,” Kylo hissed against my overheated flesh. “No one, you hear me?”

 

“Yes,” I panted. His hand slipped into my shorts, groaning at my lack of underwear, and he ignored that special spot I loved so much to circle lower down. We’d never done this, either.My breath hitches as he sank his finger in; I tensed up at the invasion.

 

“Kylo, what -“

 

“So wet and tight,” he whispered. I dusted my hands in sheets and his soft black hair as he licked the hard peak of my nipple. “So fucking - mine.. mine.”

 

It felt strange, but good, and I humped against his finger until his knuckle brushed my pubic hair. Something inside of him seemed to snap - he shifted, hand leaving my breast to wrap around my throat and chin. His eyes were wild as his lips crashed down on mine, tongue forcing its way in to lick around my mouth and slide on my own. Finally, finally - our first real kiss, and the pressure was bruising as his finger slid in and out of me. I moaned as softly as I could and he rested back.

 

“Shut up - don’t want your friend to know whatyou and Uncle Kylo get up to, do you?” For some reason, a throb of pleasure ricocheted inside of me and I writhed beneath him. He rubbed his thumb over the special spot and I hummed. Too soon as I was washed in climax, holding in a scream at the intensity. I trembled as my muscles clenched around his digit, and Kylo ground his erection against my leg. I wanted to touch it - touch him - but he grunted and bit the side of my breast, hips stilling as quick as I realized it was happening. We panted together, sweaty and sated.

 

“Mine,” Kylo repeated. How could I doubt that?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the “other drugs” come in. If you’re in recovery (like me haha) this chapter might be triggering. Lots of drug use. So read at your own discretion!

XII.

 

For my fifteenth birthday, Kylo set me down at the coffee table and made me cover my eyes. I heard him setting things out on the coffee table, my curiosity building as the noises varied. Paper, then a jar, then something plastic. Finally, I felt his weight settle at my side and he grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands from my eyes.

 

The table was covered in drugs.

 

“um...”

 

“So, weird, I know,” he said with a chuckle. Kylo was nearly bouncing in his seat beside me. “But I started smoking weed and drinking when I was younger than you. And I think, doing it in a controlled environment, with my supervision...”

 

“You’re going to let me..?” I couldn’t contain my surprise. For years now, Kylo had obviously been a drug dealer and very anti-using. He’d only let me smoked weed in front of Hux to “make a point,” whatever that meant. I stared at the array of chemicals in front of me nervously.

 

There was a jar of weed and a shiny packet of edible gummies next to a pack of rolling papers. Beside that a prescription bottle with no label, and a handful of long rectangular pills. Next to that, two 40 ounce glass bottles of Old English beer. Finally, a pouch of white powder.

 

“I think you should know more about my work, Rey. You could choose to do what I do - work for Snoke, or maybe we’ll start an empire together. Either way, you should experiment and experience everything.” Kylo kneeled in front of the table and started with the deep green nuggets in the jar. He held it up, Vanna White style, and I giggled at his silly grin. He had his hair pulled back in a knot on top of his head, big ears showing, and I affectionately tugged his lobe as he started to explain.

 

“We have a really fun strain of sativa here - sativa is more energetic than indica, which produces a body buzz and is more prone to make you sleepy. And I don’t want you sleepy.”

 

“No, that would be a shame,” I agreed, trying to hold a straight face. I loved when Kylo was excited and goofy, smiling easily and showing his rare dimples.

 

“So, I thought we would start with this. I’ll roll a joint,” Kylo said. I watched his long fingers break up the weed into itty bitty pieces on the table, then pull out a thin paper and sprinkle it in the crease. “The ritual is almost as important as actually getting high. That’s what all junkies think, even stoners.”

 

“You’re not a junkie,” I rebutted. Images of my mother, slack jawed and nodding off, murkier now in time gone by, filtered through my brain. Kylo must have known, or sensed it.

 

“No, you’re right. Sorry.” He licked one edge and carefully rocked the paper until it rolled into a tube. He ignited the lighter, said, “heat to dry the spit and seal it,” before waving the joint in front of me with a flourish.

 

We sat knee to knee, cross legged on the couch, passing the joint back and forth. I was scared to get too high - I heard horror stories at school of girls that threw up from smoking too much. I didn’t want this night to end before it even began. Kylo chuckled but agreed with my logic, took a few more hits, and put it out.

 

For a while, we just giggled and enjoyed being stoned. I loved touching him and rediscovered the softness of his back and shoulders, the pillowy softness of his full lips. Being high made kissing Kylo so much better, which I didn’t know was possible. Even when our teeth clacked or noses bumped, it was sweet and hot, sending the most incredible jolts of lust straight to my core.

 

“Thirsty?” Kylo asked, breaking our kiss. I wasn’t before but once he said it, I realized it was true. He handed me a 40 and grinned at how big and ridiculous it looked in my small hands.

 

I chugged down some malt beer and winced - it was gross. I pulled a face and Kylo laughed, then told me to drink more. “You’ll get used to it.”

 

I wanted music and Kylo obliged happily. I made him get up and dance with me after a few more gulps of beer, even though I never dance and I’m usually too self conscious. But it was just Kylo and I, and he held my hands as I swiveled my hips, both of us singing the words to every song on the playlist Kylo had queued. We ordered Chinese but I was too distracted to eat more than crab Rangoon, remembering that first day and feeling so warm and bright as I perched on Kylo’s lap. My face was warm too, and Kylo pulled me to his chest, smoothing back my hair and nibbling on my shoulder.

 

Once Kylo’s beer was gone, I was feeling fun and bubbly and he gestured to the packet of powder. “This is coke. You wanna try it?”

 

“I wanna do what you wanna do,” I said, and Kylo’s smile grew while his eyes darkened.

 

“Whatever I wanna do?”

 

“Mmmhm.” He pulled me into his lap and started kissing me all over, the edge of my mouth, my chin. I thread my fingers through his hair, tugging gently.

 

After a long time, Kylo pulled back and knelt beside the table. I sat beside him, fuzzy and giggly, as he dumped some powder on the table. I watched as he pulls a card out of his wallet and started chopping into it, pulling out thin little lines until he had four and a mound of fluffy white powder.

 

“You’re gonna love this,” he said. He rolled up a hundred dollar bill, winking at me. “Watch me, then you’ll go. Okay, baby girl?”

 

“Ok.”

 

He bent over the table, sticking one end of the bill up his nose, then inhaled it smoothly, loudly, the line disappearing inside the bill then up his nostril. He sat back on his heels, sniffing and tipping his head back. His pupils were blown wide, black with the barest ring of light brown, and he smirked at me.

 

“Ready?” I wasn’t, but I was. I felt so calm and mellow, like nothing else mattered. No one mattered but me and Kylo, alone in our perfect world, the last people left on Earth. The city could be burning down and all I would see is Kylo, Kylo, Kylo.

 

He sat me in his lap and handed me the rolled up bill, tucking it up my nostril. “Might burn for a sec, but I got you,” he warned soothed. He held my hair as I hunched over the table, and I sniffed hard. The drugs burned hard and my eyes watered, I coughed and gasped. “Good girl, Rey. You’re such a good girl for me.”

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose and kept sniffing back as mucus drained down my throat. But it felt... it felt... like flying. Everything was sharp and bright and I smiled big.

 

“More?” Kylo asked, a knowing smile on his handsome face.

 

“More,” I agreed.

 

——

 

Cocaine made my blood pump and my head bob. Dancing felt so good, and I didn’t care if I looked stupid in front of Kylo. He held my hips and ground on my ass as we grooved and swayed. I wished every day was like this, that I could always feel this good. Our kisses were hungry and long, his hands sliding all over my body and mine on him. He’d had a boner for a long time when I finally gripped it through his pants. I was aching, feeling like I needed nothing more than him. Touching me. Maybe more.

 

“Can I see it?” I asked, my voice strange and deep.

 

“Yes,” Kylo growled. He flopped back on the leather sofa, frantically unfastening his belt and fly, jerking his jeans and underwear down his hips. I fell between his knees, gasping in surprise. It was so... big. Hurting up towards his belly button, throbbing and almost purple. I danced my fingers over his lightly, making him groan.

 

“I’ve wanted to see you for so long,” I confessed. Kylo handed me the last of my 40, tipping it back and making me drink it all even though drips escaped down my chin. I giggled and wiped the back of my hand over my lips before taking his big cock between my hands. I could wrap my small fingers all the way around, and we both made noises at the sight.

 

“You have no idea,” Kylo ground out between clenched teeth, “how hard it’s been waiting for you to grow up.”

 

I giggled and leaned forward to press a kiss to the tip. Kylo shivered. “Can I lick it?”

 

“Fuck yes,” he said. I had seen blow jobs in porno, which Kaydel and I would watch together when dodging PE and try to take tips on how to do it. All of that flew out of my mind though as I started to tickle my tongue over Kylo’s dick; I just wanted to explore and taste every inch of his salty skin. It was like velvet wrapped around steel. Liquid leaked from the slit at the top, and I sucked it down as he cursed and squirmed.

 

His reactions, combined with the fact that I was finally touching his dick, had me soaked. I had already stripped down to my panties and one of Kylo’s T-shirt’s, and the evidence of my arousal was sticky on my thighs. I shifted as I took him in my mouth, careful to open wide and avoid my teeth. I glanced up, watching Kylo as I bobbed and sucked softly. His eyes fell closed, an almost reverent, holy expression peaking his eyebrows and unhinging his jaw. So sexy. With my free hand, I rubbed at the front of my panties frantically.

 

“Jesus Christ,” Kylo groaned. He threaded a hand through my loose brown curls and pushed my head further down, taking even more, until my eyes watered and I felt I might suffocate. But I loved it, I loved making him feel as good as he made me, and I whined with pleasure as I tried to swallow his heavy length down. When I pulled back, strings of saliva clung to him, and Kylo moaned at the sight. “You love this, don’t you? You love sucking this fat cock, don’t you Rey?”

 

“Mmmm,” I moaned, descending again. I wanted to swallow him whole, and I desperately choked myself on Kylo’s dick until I gagged and had to pull away again. He gazed at me through hooded eyes.

 

“Let’s do a few more lines and go upstairs.” I wanted to keep sucking, and I mewled in protest, but he was already moving to cut some more lines. “You’ll get more, my greedy girl,” Kylo promised, smirking at me like a predator. “You’ll get all you want and then some.”


	13. Chapter 13

XIII.

 

We were buzzing from everything when Kylo pushed me down on the bed. Big hands engulfed my fiery skin, touching me everywhere. Our lips dialed, bruising intensity, stoking the flame between my legs. Kylo quickly tore his clothes off, then mine - more gently but in a rush. Our naked bodies pressed together was a revelation; now that is felt it, I knew I couldn’t go without it.

 

“I’m going to kiss you here,” Kylo said, a warning and a promise. He tapped my pussy, shocks thrilling down my spine. Tingly heat pooped between my thighs and I nodded as he tugged me down the bed. He kneeled down, tossing my legs over his shoulders and spreading my open. His dark hair was escaping his bun but he seemed oblivious, fingers sifting through the wet silk of my folds carefully.

 

“Kylo,” I whined.

 

“This is your clit,” he said, the barest of kisses pressed to my electrified skin. It was that special spot, the one that made me cum. I moaned and shifted, trying to get him to pay more attention there. “Your vulva,” Kylo went on, tongue sliding over my pussy lips. “Vagina.” His tongue circled my entrance, dipping in shallowly. I widened my stance and propped myself up on my elbows to watch. “Perineum,” he said next. “Asshole.” He licked a hot stripe over both and my face flamed in arousal and embarrassment.

 

“Not there,” I murmured, and he shot me a challenging look.

 

“I’ll kiss you wherever I please, Rey. And you’ll love it and thank me.” There was no playfulness in his tone, just lust and command. I gulped.

 

“Thank you, Kylo.” My eyes were wide as his lip curled, and before I could breathe his face was buried in my sopping wet sex. He still wouldn’t let me shave, though Kaydel did and told me I should too. That was the furthest thing from my mind as his tongue slithered around, stroking and nudging all the secret, pleasurable places I didn’t even know about. He groaned into my skin, another electric zip that blasted straight to my middle. I struggled to keep my eyes open, wanting to commit the image of his nose and mouth pleasing me while his dark eyes watched my reactions.

 

It was so intense, better than anything we had done before. Like the cocaine, I just wanted to live in this feeling. I moaned, loud and wanton, and he slipped a long finger inside my tight channel.

 

“So tight, Princess. So tight for me.”

 

“Yes! Just for you!” I shivered and trembled. He pushed another finger in, stretching my walls deliciously. I clamped down on them, making him moan. He lapped at my clit then sucked on it, and I was tipping over that edge, eyes slammed shut and tears leaking. He drew it out, fingers teasing and tongue swirling until I had to tug him up by the hair. When we kissed, I tasted my pussy on his lips and tongue. Sweet, tangy. It was hot, knowing what he just did, and I thrusted my hips against his invading fingers weakly.

 

“You want more, baby?” Kylo asked, voice a low whisper.

 

“I can have more?”

 

“It’s your birthday, Rey. You can have whatever you want.” He smiled and kissed me more. I crooned into his lips as another finger pressed into me. This time, it was like I was being torn in half - his long, thick fingers were much more than I had ever had inside of me. I whimpered pitifully. “Take it, Rey. Take everything I give you, baby.” I nodded as my head lolled back on my shoulders. He pulled back, watching his three fingers fuck me, and I peeked up to see him jerking on his cock.

 

That’s what I wanted, I didn’t care if it hurt. I wanted Kylo and me to connect in the deepest possible way. Our lives were already so tangled and enmeshed, knitted together like a patchwork quilt, and I sobbed, overwhelmed with pleasure and emotion, watching his beautiful face watch me.

 

“Please, Kylo. I want you so bad - please, make love to me.” I pushed up to cup his cheeks, bringing our foreheads together as I cried. “I only want you, only ever you. So - do it, lets do it.”

 

Kylo nodded slowly, mouth open as he slid his fingers out. “I have to get something,” he told me. A kiss dropped on my forehead, and he disappeared. I scrambled up the bed, fluffing up the pillows and settling back. My nerves were raw and excited.

 

When Kylo returned, he had more coke on a magazine and a bottle of lube. He cut some lines, instructing me to snort two and then a thick rail for himself. He collected the leftovers on his finger and shoved it roughly in my wet pussy. I cried out.

 

“It’ll help with the pain.” He sniffed and then withdrew his finger, sucking it clean. I throbbed, clenching on nothing with a whimper. Next, he dumped a bunch of lube into his cock, fist sliding back and forth over it, hips nudging forward, closer and closer to my aching entrance.

 

“Hurry,” I pleaded, hooking my ankles around his hips and dragging myself closer. Kylo breathed hard as he lined himself up. I couldn’t watch - I was afraid he wouldn’t fit. As the blunt head teased against my wet hole, he bit his lip.

 

“This is gonna hurt, Rey. But I love you, and I need you to relax.” His hand, the one not gripping his shaft, stroked my belly as he started to sink into me.

 

It did hurt. Kaydel told me it wouldn’t, not like everyone says, but Kylo was huge and I was small. The burning stretch made me cry out, brought tears to my eyes, but I wouldn’t stop him. I would never. He gasped, another inch or two forcing inside of me, and swore.

 

“This is unreal. You have no idea,” Kylo groaned. “Pretty Rey, my pretty girl. Just hold on, honey. Stay with me.”

 

He was going so slow. I wanted him stuffing me, wanting the pain to end. I used my ankles to bring him closer - with a cracked shout, our hips met, tearing through the resistance inside of me and absolutely splitting me in two.

 

“Kylo,” I cried, tears falling now. His face dropped to my neck and he made a noise between a growl and a whine, and it was beautiful. He was beautiful.

 

“I can’t move,” he moaned. “Oh Rey, you’re fucking tight and if I move I’m gonna - gonna cum.” He licked my throat and palmed my breast, tweaking one nipple. I didn’t want him to move, anyway, needing more time to adjust to the sting of his cock filling me.

 

After an eternity, I experimentally flexed my hips. Kylo made more noises, then rolled me so I was on top of him and him on his back. “You gotta do it,” he said. “I can’t hurt you, you do it.”

 

I braced my hands on his chest. We had been in this position a million times, and I was glad for the familiarity. I rocked against him, somehow sinking further; we both cried out. “Help me,” I begged pitifully. His palms settled on my hips, pulling me up and letting my weight drop. It still stung, but there was something else. I ground against him pelvis, then lifted again with shaking thighs. I built a rhythm, rocking to grind my clit before lifting and dropping, faster and harder until I was crying out with each thrust. Kylo lifted his hips to help me, fucking up and bumping what felt like the end of my vagina. He mumbled nonsense - “fucking hell, so good baby, so tight, love you, fuck me,” until I leaned forward and our lips found each other. The switch in angle hit something new in just the right way.

 

“Oh,” I said, eyes flying open.

 

“Yeah?” Kylo breathed. His jaw clenched abc he grabbed my ass, holding me in place and surging his hips up to pound into me. “Let go Rey, just relax. Feel how good this is.”

 

“So good,” I gasped out.

 

“This is my pussy, you’re mine,” Kylo grunted as his cock pushed into me punishingly. “No one will love you like I do, Rey. Never. Just me.”

 

“Yes, Kylo!” I gasped out as I hurtled closer and closer to the precipice. “Only you, only ever you!” My eyes rolled back as I slammed into my orgasm. It felt like waves of ecstasy washing over me, shivery tingles exploding from inside and surging out. I felt like I was gushing, liquified, the only word I knew his name as I called out over and over. I absently heard him cry my name, and then he was shaking and throbbing and filling me with hot cum. Our harsh, panting breaths mingled as I collapsed on top of him, sweat-shiny and spent.

 

As Kylo grew soft inside of me, I realized there would be no going back. Not that I wanted to - but I had finally given him every piece of me. He had me, heart and soul; I would be only his, forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all have filled me up so much. I seriously cherish each and every comment, Judi, bookmark and subscription. It means so much to have so much love from my Reylo fam. Thank you for reading along!

XIV.

 

I’m glad it’s summer vacation and I didn’t have to worry about school. The next morning - afternoon, actually - I woke up so sore but incredibly aroused, Kylo’s face again buried between my legs. I moaned as his tongue entered me, lapping at the wetness flooding out of me.

 

“Good morning,” he purred. “I have things to do... but I needed you before that.” Kylo smirked at my pitiful sounds and my squirming hips, amused with my desperation. Slowly, he pushed into me - I hissed at the burn of being spread and split again, and Kylo kissed my face as he loomed over me. His black hair hung in my face, a curtain shutting us in our own world as he fucked me through a toe-curling orgasm. When he came time his time, he pulled out, smearing his spend over my belly and breasts. Almost like he was marking me.

 

“I love you,” I told him softly, basking in the warm afterglow of our shared orgasms and touching.

 

“I know.” He hummed into my chest, nosing the underside of my small breast before palming it. My nipple tightened in response.

 

“I wish it could always be like this,” I said wistfully.

 

“It can, Rey. As long as we’re together.”

 

The summer was long and hot. Kylo took me to the pool, fucking me in the dressing room with my tits pressed against the cold mirror and my breath fogging it up. We went to the beach, sharing a joint on the way and lazing in the sand, lovers under the scorching sun. We rode around, collecting Snoke’s payments and making deliveries as he asked. Kylo was on his good side, had been careful and courteous. Kylo didn’t want to risk anything when it came to me.

 

“He could do anything, Rey. Call CPS, have you taken from me... he could have you kidnapped and sold.” Kylo had warned me the dangers of what his boss could do with shaky hands and a crazy look in his deep eyes. I had crawled in his lap, peppering him with kisses and reassuring him I wouldn’t go anywhere.

 

Where else would I go? I have no one but Kylo. I want no one but Kylo.

 

Kaydel comes to stay for a few days and Kylo didn’t hide his annoyance with our giggling. I knew he just wanted me to himself, naked and under him, or riding him, or on my knees for him. I thought he could stand a couple days of my attention directed at my friend, until the second night when he rolled a joint for the three of us to share.

 

Kaydel smoked weed and cigarettes, and wasn’t phased - or didn’t show it - when “Uncle Kylo” flopped down with on the sofas in front of the television and sparked a joint.

 

“Rey is so lucky to have you,” Kaydel said, exhaling a plume of Snoke right at me. “Super hot, super cool uncle that smokes her out? You should adopt me, too.”

 

“No way, Kylo is mine,” I said with a giggle.

 

“Feel free to fight over me,” he said with a grin that didn’t reach his eyes. I could feel something off, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. Uneasily, I took the joint when Kaydel passed it to me, pushing the bad feelings to the back of my mind. This was fine, this was good. At least we were all getting along.

 

“Has Uncle Kylo shown you how to shot gun?” Kaydel asked, waggling her eyebrows at me. I glanced at Kylo and slowly shook my head. His jaw clenched as Kaydel clapped and squealed, perching on her knees right in front of me. “So you take a hit and blow it in my mouth, ok?”

 

“Like mouth to mouth?”

 

“Yeah, it gets you way higher. Come on.” Kaydel pushes the joint towards my mouth. I avoided Kylo’s eyes, though I could feel them burning into me, as I took a deep hit. Kaydel cupped my face, bringing our lips together, and I exhaled into her mouth. I was surprised by the supple softness of her mouth, and pulled away quickly. Kylo glared at me, a nearly tangible look filled with volatile emotion. I shrank back under his scrutiny.

 

“Your turn, Uncle Kylo!” Kaydel plucked the joint from my fingers and bounced to Kylo. Alarm bells went off in my head, but I froze, and she crawled right into his lap. Jealousy, anger, possession - I was overwhelmed with emotion, my body feeling hot and cold at the same time. Kylo reared his hand on her hip, their eyes on each other as she sucked in some smoke then brought their mouths together, exhaling into him as I had done to her.

 

I dug my nails into my palms and willed myself not to cry. Kylo tipped his head back, gaze flicking to me, as he blew out the smoke. I knew what the look said - doesn’t feel good, does it? I bit my lip and stared at my shoes while my vision swam with salty, hot tears. Oblivious, Kaydel giggled and squirmed around before climbing out of Kylo’s lap. I wanted to smack her.

 

“I need to pee,” I said abruptly. I wasn’t even high - the whole situation evaporating my high instantly. My legs were shaky as I stride to the bathroom. I had barely sat down when Kaydel came barging in, face pink and stoned smile.

 

“Kylo said we can drink tonight,” she said in a sing song voice. Inwardly, I thought this sounded like a horrific idea. How would I control myself around him drunk? I was affectionate and horny when drinking, and Kylo knew that, he loved it. He was punishing me for Kaydel, I knew it. I hid my emotions as I wiped and flushed, then moved to wash my hands in the sink.

 

“Sounds good,” I said with false cheer. Kaydel hung on my shoulders, grinning. She licked her lips slowly.

 

“We can have lots of fun, Rey.”

 

I nodded, not knowing what she meant. As we headed towards Kylo, it felt like I was walking towards a guillotine.

 

——

 

Kaydel put on pop songs while Kylo fixes our drinks. Dread clenched in my belly, preventing me for getting comfortable. Kylo knew, I could tell by the measures smiles he kept sending me. He was going to make me regret this.

 

“Thanks Uncle Kylo,” Kaydel said flirtatiously as he handed her a drink. It was pink, as was mine, and I took a baby sip while Kaydel gulped. “Mmm, fruity.” Briefly, I felt his hand on the back of my neck, tugging my locket chain.

 

“My buddy Hux wants to come by,” he said, and I glanced up in surprise. Hux wasn’t his buddy, and he knew way too much about me, about us. Kaydel giggled.

 

“Is he as hot as you?”

 

“No,” I blurted without thinking, before my cheeks flamed red with shame. It pleased Kylo, though. Something shifted in his gaze, softening a tiny fraction.

 

“Perv,” Kaydel teased. I took a few big gulps of my drink, wincing at the acidic tang until just ice cubes were left.

 

“Good girl,” Kylo murmured lowly. I just wanted him to be happy with me. The strange atmosphere in the loft, Kaydel’s presence like a red slashing wound on us. Why didn’t I learn? Why couldn’t I be content to be the center of Kylo’s universe? Why did I push for more?

 

Sometimes, Kylo said that my actions showed him that I didn’t think I deserved happiness. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe being so happy with Kylo made me nervous, so I had to create my own demise by having her over.

 

“I’ll make you more.” Kaydel gave up hers too, and he left us in the living room.

 

“Is Hux as cool as Kylo? Maybe he’s inviting him for you,” she said. My stomach rioted the thought. If Hux was for me, Kylo was for her - the very notion made me sick.

 

“They’re probably just gonna smoke a bunch of pot and talk work.” I knew that wasn’t true. Ever since Hux showed up on Christmas, something inside of me was repelled by him. I wanted him to stay away from me.

 

He showed up as Kaydel and I finished our second drink. I was feeling better, warm and fuzzy, telling Kaydel she was pretty and leaning into her as we giggled. Kylo watched, sipping whiskey, switching from amusement to something darker. Hux knocker and Kylo jumped up to let him in. I tried to straighten up but I burst out laughing instead.

 

“You might be the luckiest man in Chicago,” Hux commented as he sidled into the living room. “Hello, ladies.”

 

“Hello, Mr Hux,” Kaydel said, and we giggled at her formality. Maybe I was wrong. Everything felt really good, lighter, since we started drinking. Kaydel kept touching my hair and face, but whatever - it wasn’t anything.

 

“Did you bring...?” Kylo asked, trailing off. Hux flashed a big grin, nodding. The look Kylo shot me was loaded - I couldn’t begin to decipher it. Fuck him - Kaydel was happy and fun, no heavy looks or making me feel bad. I’d just ignore him and have fun with my only girl friend. We didn’t need him! Especially not when Kaydel started playing Cardi B and we jumped on the coffee table to dance. Kaydel was way better than me, but I didn’t mind. Just added it to the list of ways Kaydel was superior to me.

 

By the time we finished our third drink, I knew I should’ve been drunk. Instead of the sloppy, silly haze I remembered from nights spent with a Kylo, I felt electrified. My skin buzzed and my head bobbed. We couldn’t stop dancing or touching. My pussy throbbed, unprovoked - just a Kylo’s eyes following me all night. He wouldn’t try anything with Kaydel there.

 

“It’s so hot!” She fanned her flushed face as we fell back on the sofa. Kylo and Hux were in the kitchen, sipping tumblers of whiskey, smoking cigarettes, watching us. They disappeared a couple times upstairs, presumably to do some blow. I wish I was doing it with them, even though my heart was already pounding and my cheeks aches from smiling and laughing.

 

“Take your pants off,” I said, and she cackled. “Kylo doesn’t care. I walk around half naked all the time.”

 

“Lucky Kylo,” Kaydel said. She slid her shorts down, then tugged on mine. We were both in our panties and the matching Hello Kitty tank tops that I had picked out for our first slumber party.

 

“Psh. I’m built like a boy, no one wants to see that.”

 

“Rey, you’re adorable. Your body is great - you have the cutest bubble booty.” Kaydel grabbed a handful of it over my panties, making me gasp dramatically and push her back in shock.“Don’t be shy! You’re sexy, Rey.”

 

“You’re the one - with the boobs -“ I sputtered. I wasn’t used to anyone but Kylo touching me or complimenting me. I darted a glance at him, finding he and Hux watching.

 

“What, these?” She lifted her shirt, breasts bouncing free. I gasped and the chatter in the kitchen abruptly ended. “They’re ok, but yours are still perky.” She grabbed my shirt and flipped it up too, and I scrambled to pull it down - I didn’t want Hux to see me naked. I knew Kylo would hate that.

 

“Aw, don’t be shy,” Hux said. He swilled his drink around and came into the living room. Arms crossed over his broad chest, Kylo followed. I could see his nostrils flare, barely containing his anger. I wanted the couch to swallow me up, make me disappear. “Your friend isn’t ashamed of her body. You shouldn’t be either.”

 

“I’m not ashamed,” I said quietly, but Kaydel was hopping up and all but falling on Kylo, rubbing her full breasts on his crossed arms and giggling.

 

“What do you think, Uncle Kylo? Do I have nice boobs? Shouldn’t Rey take off her shirt, too?” My skin flushed and goosebumps rolled over me, a shivery, delightful feeling that I knew wasn’t from alcohol. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts as jealousy reared up again.

 

“Great tits, Kaydel,” Kylo said in a forced voice. I stared down at my toes as Hux plopped down beside me, slinging an arm over the back of the sofa.

 

“Kylo asked me to take you upstairs, if you wanna do a couple lines.” Hux strokes my cheekbone, and I snapped my head to where Kylo was standing, half paying attention to Kaydel and half to me. At my questioning look, he nodded. Permission granted, I followed Hux up to mine and Kylo’s bedroom, uneasy but buzzing.

 

“Thanks,” I said. He held up a little mirror with two fat lines, a clear straw. I was practiced with this, and I bent forward, sniffing both up smoothly. He grinned.

 

“Kylo doesn’t want to fuck your friend, you know,” Hux said, spilling more powder out of a vial and using a razor to cut it into lines. “He wants to make sure she doesn’t fuck you. Personally,” he snorted one line, “I wouldn’t mind watching. But Kylo doesn’t like to share his toys.” Hux snorted the second line.

 

“What did he give us?” I asked carefully. I knew it wasn’t just alcohol in my system.

 

“MDMA. Good, right? I have more...” Hux dug a little packet out and gave me back the straw. He pinched the pouch open. I stuck the straw right in, snorting shortly. It tastes disgusting dripping down the back of my throat. I shivered as it hit.

 

Like coke but better. I shivered and my pussy clenched hungrily on nothing. Hux waggled his eyebrows. “Better go before Kylo gets the wrong idea and shoots me.” He laughed nervously - we both knew he would. I lead the way downstairs and saw Kaydel wiggling around next to Kylo on the couch.

 

“Can we have drinks?” I asked lightly. Pretending Kaydel’s antics didn’t bother me. Her hand was on his thigh, right by his crotch. Kylo nodded and pushed himself up. I followed him to the kitchen while Hux entertained Kaydel.

 

“Your friend is a mess.” He grabbed ice from the freezer, I grabbed juice from the fridge. We moved in tandem, like it was choreographed, smoothly, together.

 

“Maybe it was the MDMA,” I said, and he chuckled.

 

“I thought you’d like it.”

 

“It’s hard enough to behave in front of Kaydel. I didn’t need the added chemicals,” I chided. Kylo’s hand fell to my ass, palming and squeezing. I swallowed my moan.

 

“She’s right, you do have the cutest bubble butt,” he said with a smirk. I felt one long finger stretch the elastic at my thigh, plunging without warning into my pussy. “I can smell your cunt, Rey. You want to fool around with Kaydel?”

 

“I don’t know.” I squirmed as he ducked me with his finger, trying to continue mixing our drinks.

 

“You can. I’ve fucked you, you’re mine. But you can play with Kaydel, so long as you know who you belong to.” His hushed voice made me wiggle and gasp.

 

“In front of Hux?” I whispered.

 

“I’ve shared women with him before.” I whined in disappointment as his finger abruptly left me. I wanted more, everything. I was horny as ever and took a long pull from the vodka bottle before capping it.

 

“He said you don’t share your toys.”

 

“He means you.”

 

Kaydel’s squeak pulled us both from our hushed conversation, and I carried our drinks into the living room. Hux was tweaking her dark pink nipples while she gasped. I was unsure what to do - I was curious about Kaydel, but it felt wrong. Kylo was the only person I’d been with. I wanted it to stay that way. Anxiously, I watched him sit on the other side of Kaydel. My pulse spiked as his big hand swallowed up her opposite breast, making her arch.

 

My thoughts turned unkind as I watched Kaydel be lavished with attention. What kind of a slut acted like that? Was she so desperate for attention that she would let anyone touch her? I sipped my drink, enjoying the body buzz and bobbing my head to the music still playing from Kaydel’s phone. She was supposed to be with Poe, but she was Messing with Kylo and Hux. I was rapidly losing interest in her friendship.

 

Not when she was throwing herself at my - my Kylo.

 

“Come on, Rey,” Kaydel said, slipping out of the haze enough to remember me. Kylo peered at me, eyes burning.

 

“I’d rather watch you,” I said. “Keep going.”

 

When Kylo smiled at me - real, genuine, happy - I knew I made the right choice. He muttered something to Hux before leaving the couch, taking my hand. We went upstairs as Hux’s pushed Kaydel down onto the couch, flaming hair moving down her body...

 

Upstairs, Kylo backed me into the wall and kissed me hard. His hands groped over me before shoving my panties down, two fingers sinking into my wet, molten pussy.

 

“So fucking proud of you,” he gasped into my throat as I fumbled with the fly on his jeans. “You didn’t fall for the bait - my pure, perfect girl.” I was already so close to cumming, I clamped around him in little bursts while his thum strummed over my sensitive clit. I wanted to fuck him, I wanted to feel his big cock splitting me and pumping a punishing tempo against my hips.

 

“Please, please,” I whined. “I’m so horny, my pussy needs you - only you, Kylo.” We both breathed hard, keeping our voices down just in case. Kylo groaned and removed his hand from my pissy while I shimmied out of my undies. He pushed his pants down, stroking himself twice before lifting me easily and pushing his weight into me to hold me up. Once he had us perfectly aligned, he let me sink onto his cock so, so slowly - my eyes rolled at the delicious friction and I stared at him, dumbfounded. Nothing had ever felt so fucking good I. My whole life as Kylo skewering me with his cock, until he started fucking me into the wall. In a few short moments, I was cumming, panting and trembling as he held me in place. It wasn’t much longer until he pulled out and exploded over my belly. I knew I could go again, I could tell by his eyes that it wasn’t enough for him, either.

 

“Never invite her over again,” Kylo said, using an old towel to clean me up. “You don’t need fucking whore friends, Rey. Got it?”

 

I nodded. I knew he was right.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to watch Girls but seeing Lena Dunham kiss Adam Driver made me irrationally angry so I stopped. Enjoy this angsts chapter.

XV.

 

School started, and Kaydel didn’t talk to me anymore. I was sad, but not. I missed having a friend, but I didn’t really miss her. She stopped taking French so I didn’t see her there. Sometimes, our eyes would meet in the hallways and she was quick to look away.

 

Kylo and I were closer than ever. He helped with my trig homework and brought me pumpkin spice lattes after school. He taught me how to roll a joint and we started listening to less rap, more classic rock. I fell in love with the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Janis Joplin, and the Doors. Kylo did a great Jim Morrison impression. I loved every moment we had, just the two of us. I’d make him breakfast in bed, if he let me up off his chest. Some days Kylo would hold me, kiss me and touch me, fuck me, until the alarm went off and we’d have to stop at McDonald’s for McGriddles on the way to school.

 

Everything felt perfect. Kylo took all the decisions out of my hands, and I trusted him to know what was best for me. He let me start wearing tampons and helped me shave most of my pubes after I begged and pleaded and told him how much better it would feel when he ate me out. I stood in the bath as he covered me with shaving cream. I shivered in anticipation when he raised the blade. It took a long time, I thought - longer than my legs ever did - as he grabbed me ankle to prop on the lip of the tub. He was handsome and entirely focused on my sex as he shaved away any trace of hair. He even made me turn away and bend over so he could inspect my backside, too. That part made me blush, especially when he started licking and kissing my asshole. I had swatted him away with a nervous giggle, but Kylo bit my ass cheek hard enough to bruise and make me yelp.

 

His birthday was in early November and we usually never celebrated. Kylo hates his birthday. He never said why, but flared at his phone a lot the whole day. This year, I wanted it to be different. So much had changed since last year.

 

I decided I would cook. I didn’t have any practice so I started binging simple tutorials on YouTube and decided to bake chicken and potatoes, fresh green beans, and make rolls from scratch. Kylo tried to pester me as I kneaded out the dough, powder everywhere. He groped my breasts and tweaked my nipples, making me moan deeply as my hands were stuck in their work. I ground my bottom against his perpetually hard cock, and he growled low in my ear.

 

“You’re going to ruin your dinner!” I protested weakly as he lifted the T-shirt I wore over boy short panties, his fingers sliding with the perfect pressure over my slit.

 

“Fine,” he huffed. “You’re too cute when trying to be wifey.” He swatted my ass and left me to my task, smiling cheerfully as he looked into the living room to collapse on the couch and watch Inglorious Basterds again.

 

We took a shower together while everything was in the oven. I loved when Kylo let me take my time to wash him, using my hands instead of a wash cloth just like he did with me. My soapy hands ran over the muscles in his arms and chest, feeling every ridge and every breath as he patiently let me bathe him. I dropped to my knees as the hot spray hit both of us, plastering my hair down. I stroked his length, already hard and ready for me. I sucked him into my mouth, hollowing my cheeks and gazing up at him. He braced a big hand against the tile and the other held my head as he slowly fucked my mouth.

 

I liked it when he did that. I held still as he slid in and out, watching the pleasure written blatantly on his beautiful face. His balls slapped my chin and the the tip of his cock hit the back of my throat, but I didn’t gag anymore. I learned how not to with lots of practice.

 

“I’m gonna cum,” he whispered, and I doubled my efforts until he was grunting and groaning and his warm spend shot down my throat. The taste wasn’t bad, it was Kylo. I swallowed happily as he pulled me off my knees to crush me in a hug. “You make me so happy, Rey. I love you.”

 

“Love you too,” I hummed into his skin. I really did.

 

We both got dressed up, which felt silly but Kylo insisted. I put on a pink dress that buttoned down the front with a sweetheart neckline. Far too cold for November, but we weren’t leaving the loft so it didn’t matter. Kylo wore a button down shirt and soft gray wool slacks, sleeves rolled back making my mouth go dry. He was so effortlessly handsome.

 

We sat at our rarely used dinner table and Kylo lit a joint, holding it to my lips as I poked a meat thermometer into our chicken. It was all perfect, and I plated everything, humming with pride. It was like something primal in me wanted to prove to Kylo that I could take just as good care of him s he’d done for me over these years together. I wanted him to see me as more grown up, a woman. Not the scrawny, pitiful girl he saved.

 

“This is really good,” he said, tucking into the meal. We were drinking Chardonnay and listening to a classic rock station on Pandora - when there was a knock at the door. We both froze. Kylo stood and dropped his linen napkin on the table before retrieving his gun from the top of the bookshelf, giving me flashbacks to that Christmas with Hux, while I waited at the table, nervously chewing my lips.

 

Kylo eased the door open and I was torn between curiosity and terror. I watched his shoulders tense, jumping to his big ears hidden beneath his shaggy black hair. “Mom. Dad - what’re you doing here?”

 

“It’s been years since we’ve seen you -“

 

“You can’t just come unannounced -“

 

“You never answer the phone! What am I supposed to do, Ben?”

 

Oh my God, his parents. I do t know what to do. Should I hide? Act normal? I take a hand through my hair and grab my glass of wine, chugging it down quickly. I had a feeling I would need it.

 

“Hold on. Just give me a minute.” Kylo shut the door and turned to me with the color drained from his face.

 

“Should I hide?” I asked. “What can I do?”

 

“No, it’s obvious you live here and.. the table is set for two,” Kylo said. He started packing the weed and papers onto our weed tray, stashing it in a drawer under the tv. Quickly, I gathered our clothes from the floor, tossing them in the laundry closet. Kylo grabbed my text books off the coffee table, hiding them under the couch. “We’ll tell them you’re my girlfriend, that you’re eighteen, ok? I’m sorry Rey.” He dropped a kiss on my head.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want your birthday ruined.”

 

“They ruin everything, it’s not your fault.” He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face before inviting them in. I wasn’t expecting his mother to be so small - shorter even than me - elegant, dark hair threaded with silver, her smart brown eyes sweeping over the apartment before landing on me, standing beside Kylo anxiously. I felt stupid in my dress - did I look too young?

 

Kylo’s father chuckled as he took me in. “No wonder you don’t answer the phone.” He had mess my gray hair and sparkling blue eyes that seemed to smile even when his mouth didn’t. His face was lined and a little leathery, but he was older. Still handsome, and tall like Kylo. I could see them both in their son’s features.

 

“This is Rey, my girlfriend,” Kylo said. His palm was damp as it settled over my bare shoulder. I smiled up at him reassuringly. “Rey these are my parents, Han and Leia.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” I held out my hand and Han shook it, pleased with my manners. Leia smirked wryly.

 

“What playground did he lick you up at, sweetheart?” she asked. I snatched my hand back, glowering.

 

“Mom, if you can’t respect my girlfriend, you have to leave.” Kylo was barely controlling his anger. I aches to soothe him, touch his cheek or squeeze him in a hug, but too frightened of making the wrong move to do anything.

 

“What? She looks about twelve, Ben. What the hell are you doing?”

 

“I’m eighteen,” I hissed through my teeth. “It’s perfectly legal in the state of Illinois.” Lies, all lies, but her eyebrows lifted and she shrugged. I straightened my spine, feeling all eyes on me. “I made some dinner, if you’re staying you could join us.”

 

“Perfect. I’m starved.” Han clapped his hands together while I hurried into the kitchen to grab two more plates and dish out their servings. I planned on having left overs and was glad I prepared extra. I set their plates down and we all tucked in. Except for Leia, who kept her level gaze on me. I blushed and popped a huge potato chunk in my mouth.

 

“So Ben, What have you been up to?” Han asked. He looked oblivious to his wife as he shoveled dinner in his mouth.

 

“Not much. Work, you know.” He shrugged. Awkward silence descended on us.

 

“Do you work, Rey?” Leia asked.

 

“She’s a student at the Art Institute. Want more wine?” He stood and grabbed my glass without waiting for an answer. I shifted uncomfortably and stared at my plate.

 

“You shouldn’t be feeding her alcohol, Ben. It’s illegal.” Not only was it so weird to hear Kylo called “Ben” but we were a few county lines over on illicit activities by now. I took a big sip when he handed me the glass.

 

“It’s his birthday, Princess. Don’t be a stick in the mud.” Han winked at me while Leia sighed.

 

“I just can’t understand what you’re doing with your life, Ben. You left your internship with Luke -“

 

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Kylo grumbled.

 

“You’re shacking up with a child -“

 

“I’m right here,” I murmured into my lap.

 

“You’re wasting your education and potential and I won’t stand for it. You have the trust fund from my father, you have the chance that so many would kill for! And you’re throwing it all away!” Leila’s face flushed and her eyes swam with unshed tears. I wished the floor could swallow me up, have me disappear.

 

“You have no idea what I do with my time. You don’t know Rey, and you don’t know me. Save your judgements, Mom.” Kylo pushes back from the table. Dinner was ruined. I started crying too - aching for Kylo and how much he was holding in his hurt, disappointment for the romantic dinner they ruined.

 

“Fantastic, Leia.” Han gruffly pushed back and stood, too. “We said we weren’t going to do this -“

 

“Well I can’t stand by idly while my son fucks up his future. You think she loves you, Ben? She’s just waiting for her birth control to fail and fall pregnant. Then she’ll have her meal ticket for life.” Leia laughed bitterly.

 

Possessed with something deep down and primal, the need to protect Kylo as defend myself, shaking with rage, I glared at her. “You need to leave. Get the fuck out of our home.”

 

I could feel Kylo’s eyes snap to me and shock flutter across his features, but I wasn’t done. I stood slowly while Leia gasped at me. “Your son is a good man - the best man. I don’t know what meal ticket you’re talking about, but I would never do anything but love him. Since you seem hell bent on ruining his birthday, you can leave.” I pointed to the door. Kylo’s hand slipped over my hip, tucking me into his side gently, while I breathed hard and glared at his mother.

 

“She’s right. You aren’t welcome here,” Kylo said. “Dad, I’m sorry. Call me in a few days. But Mom...” Kylo shook his head sadly.

 

“Fine,” Leia said, puffing up. She strode to the door, tugging Han by his leather jacket. As soon as the door slammed shut behind them, Kylo was on top of me. He swept an arm over the table, dishes and glass clattering to the floor as he pushed me back.

 

“That was the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” Kylo ground out, before ducking his head to bruise my lips with a passionate kiss. I was still quivering with adrenaline, and I grabbed his collar to pull him closer. His hands roved over my body, pushing up my skirt. He groaned when he found I wasn’t wearing panties. “At the table with my parents you didn’t have panties on... Rey..”

 

“Well I didn’t plan that!” I exclaimed as he pushed rough fingers into me.

 

“No one has ever stood up for me like that,” Kylo said as he fucked me with his hands. I whimpered at the intensity in his dilated eyes, plump lips and soft hair. “I’m going to show you just how much I love you.”

 

He scooted down my body, head disappearing under my skirt, and I felt his tongue and teeth sucking, licking, and kissing my dripping pussy. Kylo devoured me, and I screamed through my first orgasm, calling his name. When he straightened up, pulling his cock out of his pants and lining up to my entrance, his smile was shiny with my juices.

 

“When you cum this time, call me Ben.” I shivered but nodded. In no time at all, I was chanting it over and over.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I wanted to try something from Kylo’s POV, and I don’t love it, so here ya go. Kiddos have a snow day and my mother is sick, so I cannot promise how much work I’ll get done today. I should have another chapter of Animals posted, though :)
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos and bookmarks make my life. I live for them. Thank you.
> 
> I was asked to add a note here that this chapter briefly deals with human trafficking. If this is too much for you, feel free to skip to the bottom notes and I’ll summarize.

XVI.

 

It’s still dark when his phone buzzes, drawing Kylo from a light slumber. He struggles with sleep every night. Most of the time, he stares at Rey. Her peaceful expression, licking her lips, sighing. He wishes he could crawl inside of her head and see her dreams. He wishes he could know every thought that filters through her brain.

 

With a sigh, he opens his texts.

 

Snoke has been suspiciously cool lately. He’s not sure if he’s on good terms for real or if the old man is playing with him. He manages a handful of trap houses now, collects payment from the ladies and their pimps, moves packages around town for distribution. Roughs up guys when he needs to. Whatever Snoke wants, because that keeps her safe. And that’s all that matters to Kylo.

 

The text is a time and location. This evening, the shore of Lake Michigan. The pit of despair in his stomach yawns open, swallowing more of his guts, leaving him feeling weak and sick. Sighing, he kisses Rey’s sweet temple, inhaling the soft scent of her flowery shampoo, and gets up.

 

A quick shower before he’s pulling on jeans and a T-shirt. He’s considering growing his beard out, if Rey likes it. He brushes his teeth and finds his way to the kitchen to start the coffee pot.

 

Rey doesn’t get up for school until seven, a whole hour from now. She’s almost done with sophomore year. Then she’ll be sweet sixteen. They could get married, in some deeply southern states. Without parental consent. Except, he is her guardian. The only consent they would need is his.

 

Her mother has been dead for years now. A few weeks after he took Rey in, Hux called and told him. Found overdosed in a shitty motel with the needle still in her vein. Stupid, selfish, bitch. Kylo never told her because he can’t stand to see her cry.

 

Especially over that waste of a person. The only thing she’d done worth noting in her entire pathetic life was birth Rey. Kylo thanks whatever Gods there might be that she had been selfish enough to keep her, that she hadn’t aborted or given her up for adoption. That she had been desperate enough to bring the dirty, scrawny girl to the trap to sell. That she had struck such a low bargain. That she hadn’t put up a fight when Kylo proposed his deal.

 

What kind of mother did that? Knowingly pimp her child... as a woman she knew what Rey would likely be subject to. Kylo never lets himself forget that.

 

It took a long time to gain her trust. Rey was docile then, going along with what he wanted without question. Letting him feed her by hand like a baby kitten. Curling into herself beside him in bed, protecting herself even in her sleep. Kylo knew it would take time to mold her. And, despite what many thought, he could be a patient man. With the right motivation.

 

Three years later - nearly four now - their lives are so entangled its impossible to separate one from the other. He’d chased off Kaydel, threatening to tell her little boyfriend that she’d cheated on him, tell her parents he found her drinking... whatever it took to get her away from his Rey. The dumb girl had been humiliated in the light of day and agreed quickly to never speak to Rey again, tail tucked between her legs as she caught an Uber before Rey woke up.

 

Rey hadn’t even questioned it. Kaydel was her friend, then she wasn’t. Kylo doubled his efforts to distract her, while balancing his entirely conflicting work life. He hates it, now. Working for Snoke had once been so easy, natural as breathing. He knew Hux from buying coke, and then one night revealed he had a connection for LSD. That he could get his guy a good deal, and could maybe get his hands in the mix. Trapping was simple, addicts were predictable in their instability and desperation. It felt good to be bad, like they said in the movies. Kylo got along well with Snoke. He didn’t dip into the supply, he didn’t get attached to the people he sold rock to. Kylo was coolly detached, gliding up the ranks with astonishing ease.

 

Until her. Until Rey.

 

“Hey.” Her sleepy voice startled him and he flinches. “Sorry. What are you doing?”

 

“Couldn’t sleep,” he replies. She perches beside him on the couch, tucking her head under his chin. The slight weight and intense heat of her body against him is relief. He strokes a hand over her dark hair.

 

“I can’t sleep when you can’t sleep,” Rey says in a small voice. And fuck, if his heart doesn’t clench. He needs her now, more than she could possibly realize. More than she could ever need him. It’s like the roles have reversed.

 

“Do you want breakfast?”

 

“Mm. Yes.” She snuggles him tightly, unwilling to let go. “But first...” she wiggles off his lap to kneel in front of the table. She starts breaking up weed and humming under her breath. Kylo watches, sipping his coffee. He used to be like that, too - wager to get stoned, eager to try new things. Being with Rey makes it all fresh and new again. It’s like how Christmas becomes fun again once you have a kid - at least, that’s what Kylo thinks happens. As much as he thinks he’d like to be a dad, and how sexy she would look, all plump and round carrying their child, Kylo doesn’t want to share her attention yet. A kid would change everything. He’s not sure for the better or worse.

 

The split the joint and Rey’s eyes get glassy, like they do, her smiles loose and lazy. He follows her into the bathroom while she takes a shower, half-hard as he watches her wash. He still enjoys bathing her, shaving her, trimming the ends of her long hair, dressing her. She’s more than capable of course - but he likes taking control of her. And the ease with which she lets him.

 

She sits on the counter in her uniform watching him cook, winding a braid through her hair and talking about her American History class, the upcoming test. “A bunch of us are gonna study in the library during lunch,” she says, chewing her lips.

 

“Oh? Whose us?” Kylo hates the idea of Rey having anyone else that she might care about. Anyone else that might poison her mind against him. He tries conceal his irritation.

 

“Um, Rose Tico, Finn Prince, and a couple other kids I don’t really talk to.” He stirs the scrambled eggs around while she watches him. He can feel anxiety rolling off of her and she starts to ramble. “Rose and Finn have been dating for like, ever. And they’re super cute. Rose has an older sister in the police academy and Finn wants to do that, too.”

 

“Sounds wholesome.” Kylo hopes she remembers how to keep her mouth shut about them. He doesn’t say anything though, just watches her swallow and blink and nod.

 

“Yeah, they’re really nice. Like... Rose is so sweet. She always bakes cookies and shares them with me at lunch.” Rey smiles, sadly, and he knows - he can literally just feel - the aching loneliness inside of her. It’s enough to make him want to cry, or punch a wall. He’s not enough, he’ll never be enough, and Kylo breathes hard through his nose in frustration.

 

Didn’t he provide everything she ever needed? Didn’t they have fun, just the two of them? Why did she yearn for more? People would only hurt her, as her mother did, as Kaydel did. Yet she wanted to expose herself to that again?

 

“Anyway... you’ll be there to pick me up, right?”

 

“Of course. I always am.” Kylo kisses her forehead, and she relaxed into an easy smile.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

 

——-

 

Kylo makes her promise to keep the door locked right no matter what. He leaves the loft and Rey inside of it, lazing on the couch watching the Office for the eight-hundredth time, half stoned and half asleep. The city is always alive, but especially in the evenings, and his stomach knots with dread the closer that he gets to the meeting point.

 

He parks at the marina and pulls up Snoke’s contact information. Presses the screen and then waits while it rings. Follows directions and infiltrates the loading docks, wet pavement and sort of quiet. There are stacks and stacks of shipping containers, rainbow of colors. Snoke rides a Rascal scooter these days, and smiles when he sees Kylo approaching. Hux is already there.

 

“I thought my two best employees should be here to witness the next step in our endeavors,” he said, croaky old voice and liver-spotted hand gesturing to the container they stand beside. A few thick necked goons leer around them, Snoke’s new security. The old guy is getting very paranoid, the older he gets. Thinks someone is out to kill him. If only they could get so lucky.

 

“Please, open,” Snoke said, and a goon rolls up the door. The smell hits Kylo first, making him step back and cover his nose. Then the sight, the sound - women and children, huddled together in their own filth, in the dark container. There are a few lanterns hung on the wall but mostly, it’s dark. His stomach tosses like a dingy caught in a tsunami; Kylo is going to be sick as soon as he is a safe distance from Snoke.

 

For now, though, he shares a grim look with Hux. What the fuck will they do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TLDR; Snoke wants to begin trafficking women and children and it’s a line that Kylo ethically will not cross.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys. I thought there was a lot left of this, but I think we actually have about 5-10 chapters left. This chapter is kind of boring, just setting some stuff up.

XVII.

 

Something seemed off about Kylo as he crawled next to me on the couch. It was way late - the city dark and still outside the big windows - the darkened glow of the “are you still watching” screen from Netflix the only illumination. His hands wrapped around me, his nose in my hair. I twisted to thread my fingers through his dark locks and kiss him softly.

 

“Everything ok?” I whispered.

 

After a few long minutes of just our breathing, Kylo said, “Do you ever think about running away?”

 

I frowned into the darkness as he tucked his head under my chin. I had thought of running away, before Kylo. I imagined leaving my mom all the time - left to die on her own, in whatever dank, dirty place we were staying, while she wasted away. I thought about going to a police station, saying my mom was a junkie and I needed help... but I never could.

 

“Somewhere warm,” Kylo murmured. “Somewhere you can wear bikinis every day and I can fuck you all night until the sun comes up. Just us, only us. I can feed you fresh fruits and we can get drunk at noon and play together all day.” It sounded like a dream, and I giggled softly.

 

“What about school? You always say I have to finish high school,” I reminded him.

 

“We don’t need it,” Kylo said. He kissed my throat, little flutters of excitement stirring in my belly. “All we need is to get out of the city. Together - ok?”

 

I felt something warm and wet on my skin and reared back as I realized - Kylo was crying. My heart aches instantly, and I smoothed his hair as I gazed at him. “What happened? Kylo - are you ok?”

 

“Snoke wants to start something... I can’t do it, Rey, I gotta get out.” He held me tightly, I could barely breathe. But I clung to him too as fear spiked inside of me. “I’ve done really bad things. Things I never told you, because I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to see me like that...”

 

“No, Kylo. I love you, no matter what. You’re my only person. I’m yours.” I couldn’t imagine what he had done, I didn’t want to. I knew Kylo was capable of a lot more than he said, that Snoke had likely made him do things. But he was always gentle with me. He was always sweet and loving with me. And wasn’t that good enough?

 

“I don’t deserve you, Rey. I never did.” He sighed and I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand sad Kylo, feeling his tears pool in my clavicles. I did the only thing I could think of to get him out of his mind. I pushed him back and slid out from under him, falling to my knees between his. I reached between his thighs, stroking where his erection should be, but found him soft.

 

“Not tonight, baby. I’m sorry.” I blinked, surprised, and tried not to feel hurt. Kylo had never said no to me before, not about this. Instead, I climbed into his lap, truly worried, and held him as tightly as I could.

 

——

 

Rose, though only really an acquaintance, can tell something is wrong with me as we study in the quiet library. She darted looks at me over our notes, throwing my easy questions, handling me with care. I tried not to get annoyed. I knew she meant well. My head was just tangled in worry for Kylo and the upcoming test.

 

“Is everything ok?” she asked, following me to my locker between lunch and sixth period. Her round face was painted with concern. Usually, I would find that endearing, flattering. No one noticed me enough to care. Now, I was wishing she didn’t look too closely.

 

“I’m fine,” I said, forcing a smile. I situated my books and bag, avoiding meeting her gaze.

 

“You seem like, super off today - I’m sorry, I just wanted you to know... you can talk to me, Rey. About anything. Any time. Here’s my number,” she added, handing me a scrap of paper with her digits scribbled on it. “Just text me! Maybe we can hang out this weekend, or something.” Her hopeful smile made my chest hurt. After how possessive Kylo was last night, I knew that wouldn’t happen.

 

“Thanks,” I said. We walked together towards history, and Rose started rambling about something she and Finn had planned for spring break while I tried not to think about anything else.

 

Kylo was waiting as usual when the final bell let us out, and Rose followed me again. I listened to her absently, using the hair tie on my wrist to catch my chestnut curls in a messy bun. She gasped.

 

“Rey - is that a hickey?!”

 

I smacked both hands over my neck, unsure where she was looking. “No um - the seat belt, I just bruise super easy,” I lied quickly while my face flooded with color.

 

“Do you have like, a secret boyfriend?” Rose dropped her voice to a hushed whisper, but I still heard despite the chaotic ‘class is over’ noise around us.

 

“No I - please, just... drop it.” We reached Kylo’s SUV, and I grabbed the door handle. “I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?” I climbed in and ignored the look on Rose’s face as Kylo inched forward to the exit.

 

“Who was that?” he asked, turning the volume down.

 

“Rose. She’s nosy.” I rubbed at my neck, and Kylo smirked.

 

“Just don’t let her get too nosy, honey. I’d hate for you to lose another friend.” Kylo squeezes my hand and I sank lower in my seat, feeling a dark mood shift over me. I kept my mouth shut, inwardly stormy thoughts swirled like a funnel cloud. Sometimes, Kylo was too much. Sometimes, I really hated how closely I had to keep everything to my chest. One wrong word and our world could come crumbling apart. And I loved Kylo, I never wanted to be without him. But I craved more, too.

 

Kylo claimed he didn’t have work or errands, so we headed to the movies for a rare afternoon treat. There was a discount theater on the west side we always went to, where the floors were sticky and the popcorn was extra buttery, so we chose a random movie to watch and went in.

 

I loved the movies. In the darkness, no one noticed if Kylo and I were separated by a decade or more. We were just two people, a faceless couple, in the matchbox theater in worn old folding seats. I snuggled as close as I could with the arm rest between us, Kylo’s arm around my shoulders. He seemed better than earlier that morning, but still... different.

 

“I want to marry you,” Kylo whispered in my ear. “I want you to have my babies some day. Will you? No matter what, do you promise?”

 

“What are you talking about? Of course I will. But not for a long time.” I smiled at his needy expression, stroked his cheekbone. He nodded.

 

“Why not for a long time? Why not... soon?” He swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed.

 

”I want more time with you. Just you.” I pecked his nose and was glad no one else was in the theater to tell us to be quiet. “Plus, it’ll ruin my figure.”

 

”I’d love you no matter what.” He’s so solemn, serious, that I have to giggle. Kylo doesn’t even crack a smile. There was something wrong with my Kylo. I wished I could open up his head and peek inside his mind. Instead, I held onto him and pretended to watch the movie. After we left, I couldn’t recall a thing about it.


	18. Chapter 18

XVIII.

 

A few weeks later, During spring break, Kylo brought me to the aquarium. We hadn’t been in a long time, and it still felt sadly magical to see all of the animals safely enclosed in their aquatic paradise/prison. Did they know better? I watched the penguins bob and skim over their habitat while children pressed their faces to the glass. Kylo and I sat on a bench, knees towards each other, his jittering an anxious tattoo. He kept glancing around.

 

“Do you think they’re sad?” I asked, nodding towards the adorable little birds waffle before launching into the water.

 

“Huh? No, I mean.. they’re fed. They’re safe, they’re with their little penguin pals. Why would they be sad?” He frowned at me. He’d started growing out his beard, and the hair above his lip twitched when he moved his mouth.

 

“Well, I mean - they aren’t free. They can’t go and do whatever penguins do in the wild. They have all these generations long instinct encoded in their DNA but they’re just... stuck here, you know?” I wrung my hands nervously, feeding off of his energy.

 

“Is it better to be safe and healthy or free and hunted by predators? They don’t go hungry, they play all day, there’s no struggle.” Kylo was gazing at me intensely, umber eyes warm on my features. I chewed my lip and shrugged. “Sometimes you have to protect someone because they don’t know any better. You have to protect them because they don’t know how to protect themselves.”

 

I got the feeling we weren’t talking about flightless Antarctic birds anymore.

 

“Kylo... you know I’m happy, right?”

 

His eyes darkened, and his lips pressed into a firm line.

 

“I know that things aren’t like, normal, we don’t have a normal relationship. But I love you. And I wouldn’t want my life to have been any different - I wouldn’t have wanted to change anything if it meant I wouldn’t have met you.” I was tearing up, emotion choking my voice. I grabbed his hand. “Please, whatever is going on... just tell me. Tell me.”

 

Kylo glanced away. “I can’t, Rey. I’m sorry.”

 

My heart clenched sadly. I hurt for him. I scooted closer, rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s ok, Kylo. I love you anyway.” I heard him sniffle and look around, and I pulled back. “I’m with you til the end, Kylo. You know that.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry, Rey.” When he leaned to smooch my cheek, I turned my head and our lips connected. We rarely made a scene in public, but I needed it - needed him - desperately. His plush lips were warm and soft against my own, and I sighed into his mouth as I felt his hands slide into my hair.

 

This was good. This was enough.

 

——

 

It’s like Kylo can’t get enough sex with me suddenly. Multiple times a day, everywhere. He attacked me in the shower, pressing my chest against the cool tile while his hips slammed against my ass. Waking me in the middle of the night, needy and clinging. Holding me tightly as his thick length slid in and out of me easily. Before school, he set me on the counter and spread my thighs, burying his face in my sopping pussy and licking up all the arousal that leaked from inside of me. It was like neither of us could get enough, anywhere anytime.

 

He’d cup my face as I sucked his thick cock in my mouth. Stroke my hollowed our cheeks and whisper about how beautiful I looked, taking him all in. Kylo liked it when I tasted like him when we kissed. He liked the reminder that he was the only man that I’d ever been with. That I would ever be with.

 

He was a man possessed. He dusted a hand in my hair, yanking it and holding my throat as he drove into me, again and again, both of us panting and sweat soaked. He bit my shoulders, my breasts, my ass and thighs. He took me from behind, pushing my shoulders into the mattress and shouting my name as he came. He would lay cuddled up against me after, rubbing aftershocks into my pussy and pushing his spend back inside of me when it oozed out. He said since I was so young, it was unlikely I’d get pregnant from him releasing in me a couple times. I believed him.

 

After spring break when classes resumed, I walked around with a pit in my belly. It felt like something bad was coming, every day. I felt like a rain cloud hovered perpetually over my head, grey and ominous. It sucked.

 

Rose and I were sharing some of her homemade chocolate chip cookies during study hall one mid-morning when she said, “is Kylo really your uncle?”

 

I visibly flinched, eyes snapping up from my messy notes, wide and round. “What? No! No way.”

 

“You can tell me. Seriously Rey... I care about you, I just want to know the truth. If you’re ok.”

 

“I’m fine, Rose... I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Even as I said it, icy hot despair settled on me, making me sweat even though I felt frigid. I bit my lip and prayed I looked innocent, more innocent than I was.

 

She blushed and couldn’t even meet my gaze. “I saw you with him at the Pier over break. Finn and I both did.. in the penguin house.”

 

“So?”

 

“So, didn’t really look really family appropriate to me.” When her brown eyes finally connected with mine, I could see the accusation there. “Is he forcing you?” her voice dropped to a whisper. “You can tell me Rey, I can help I promise. Just say the word -“

 

“He’s not forcing me,” I hissed. “We aren’t - we’re not related. It’s not that fucked up.” My cheeks couldn’t get any more red.

 

“But you’re a minor, Rey. He’s taking advantage of you.”

 

“You’re jealous,” I said. I smacked my book shut and started packing up my bag, shaking as I shoved things in it blindly. Papers bent and ripped but I didn’t care, I needed away from her, and fast. “You’re jealous of what we have and that you’re stuck with boring old Finn while I’m with a real man.”

 

“Rey!”

 

“Leave me alone,” I hissed, venomously. “Don’t you dare talk, either. Don’t ruin my life.”

 

I slammed out of the library, ignoring the sharp look the librarian sent me. It was chilly out, but growing warmer by the day. I started walking away from campus, under the budding green trees, and called Kylo in tears.

 

“What is it, sweetheart? What happened?”

 

“She saw us - Rose saw us. She knows.” It took everything in me not to curl in on myself. Kylo would be taken away from me. They’d label him a predator when he was my savior. They’d put him in prison, where he’d get beat up for having the label pedophile. It wasn’t fair.

 

My whole life, as I knew it, was going to end. The perfect bubble of our life together was going to burst. It was my fault, all my fault. I sobbed into the phone while Kylo cursed, promised he would be right there to get me. I knew I was drawing stares from passers by, but I didn’t care. I just wanted Kylo. I just wanted him to make it all better, make it all go away.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, we are in the home stretch. A lot of people want a happy ending here, and I’ve been wondering what that looks like. Kylo and Rey run away together and start their own empire in Mexico? No one figures out their secret and they continue on together throughout their lives?
> 
> I decided that a happy ending isn’t fair for Rey. How can she be happy being victimized her entire life? One commenter pointed out that the only people that claim to love her have abused her. She’s a child, thrown into an adult world, making decisions as best she can. 
> 
> So, Rey will get a happy ending. That’s all I can guarantee right now. And I’m happy with that. I hope you will be too.

XIX.

 

I skipped school the next day, too distraught to face Rose and Finn. What if she had told everyone? I couldn’t stand to feel the stares, the little minded people that had no idea what Kylo and I had been through together. I just wanted to hide - and Kylo’s weirdly desperate moods hadn’t helped mine.

 

I lazed around the loft all day, unable to get comfortable for the anxiety in my chest. Every time I thought of Rose, her accusing eyes and her calling me a minor, saying that Kylo was basically abusing me, I felt like throwing up.

 

He couldn’t be abusing me. Obviously - he saved me, right? He treated me like a princess. He wanted to marry me. That wasn’t abuse. I wasn’t walking around with a black eye and he wasn’t doing anything to me that I disliked. Kylo loves me. He loved me. It wasn’t bad.

 

He slipped out for a bit that afternoon while I pretended to be asleep. I heard his heavy footsteps leading towards the door, it shutting gently behind him, locking it from the outside. I held my breath for a few seconds then let it out in a long sigh. Grudgingly I found my phone buried in the sheets and brought it to life. I had a few texts, all from Rose, and I groaned softly.

 

Better bite the bullet, I thought. I opened her messages and frowned. It was all links. I tapped the first one.

 

The first link is some British site with “grooming” in bold at the top. I frowned, but skimmed the first paragraph. “Grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purpose of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, or trafficking,” I read aloud softly. Something in my tummy churned, burned, and I gasped. I kept reading.

 

The checklist for signs was like a personal hit list. I could have written it about Kylo. The presents, the access to drugs and alcohol, the secret nature of everything we did. My hands were shaking as I clutched the phone. What in the fuck. What.

 

Even though it made me sick, I kept reading. The next link was about emotional abuse. Does your partner keep you isolated? Do you feel guilty when doing things without them? Do they control who you see and what you do? Every sentence I read, my gut dropped further. Of course, Kylo kept me alone a lot, he never wanted me to have friends too close. They would find out about us... but the websites said that a healthy relationship doesn’t need to hide.

 

I had to stop reading. I kept my phone with me and went down to start the shower. I was numb from head to toe as I stood under the scalding spray.

 

Had he planned this all along? Had he took me from my mother thinking that I would be the perfect victim? I shook as I started to sob, ugly cries that echoed against the tile. I choked on gags and eventually coughed up tangy, burning bile. Kylo has taken me, fed me and clothed me and protected me. He saved me, he treated me better than anyone in my whole life... And yet, the more these thoughts assaulted me, the more I realized what purpose it was for.

 

He was always going to do this to me. He was always planning on this end, it was inevitable. I dry heaved, my stomach empty, and once my stomach felt more secure, I climbed out of the shower and frantically dried off.

 

I had to leave.

 

I called Rose; it was lunch period by then and she answered on the first ring. “Rey? Where are you?”

 

“Please,” I said in a rough voice. “Please, come get me. I need help.”

 

“We’re coming,” she said in a voice more firm than I’d ever heard her use. “Text me your address - go outside and weight. We’ll be there soon.”

 

I pulled on jeans and a loose hoodie. My hair was dripping still but I grabbed my backpack, my phone charger and a pair of pajamas just in case. I took a look around the loft, seeing everything in a different sort of light now. The coffee table where Kylo fed me drugs. The kitchen counter where I watched him cook breakfast, where he spread me open and ate my pussy.

 

I shivered. I loved him. He was all I had. But I needed - I needed to be on my own. Just for a little bit. To figure out what the hell my life had become. I slipped out of the loft and used the stairs, which exited onto the busy street. There was a Starbucks beside our building and I waited inside, using the few bucks I had to order a tall pumpkin spice latte. I tried not to cry when I remembered Kylo bringing me them after school.

 

I saw Rose and Finn pull up in front of the building and dashed outside. I hurled myself in the backseat. “Go, go!” I exclaimed. I had no idea when Kylo would come back. I didn’t want him to catch me.

 

Guilt and fear twisted me up and we got lost in the midday traffic. I didn’t care where we went, as long as it put considerable space between Kylo and I.

 

We ended up at Rose’s house, s big brownstone near Wrigley. No one was home to ask why we weren’t at school. Her bedroom was pink and neat. She and Finn perched on the bed, while I belly flopped onto her soft quilt and tried not to cry.

 

“Rey...” Rose said, touching my shoulder. I glanced up at her, blinking swollen eyes. “We can help - we want to help. But you have to tell us...”

 

“It’s ok, peanut,” Finn said kindly. “No judgements.” His smile was warm and soft, like he knew that I was a fragile thing right now. I had to look away - their kindness was ore than I deserved.

 

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see their expressions when I told them my truth. “It started when I was twelve. My mom is an addict - and one day she ran out of money... so she took me to the drug house to see if she could sell me for a couple hours in return for some heroin...”

 

——

 

Across the city, Kylo breezes back into the apartment. It’s instant, the way he can sense something is wrong. He calls out for Rey, but gets no response. The air is still. There’s no life here. He jogs up the open stairway to the loft, trying not to panic.

 

She’s not in the bed.

 

Anger and panic swirl inside of him, throbbing acutely. He takes out his phone and pulls up the tracking app he’d installed on Rey’s phone.

 

Someone had taken her. Rey would never go off on her own, she’d never leave him. Snoke had gotten her, that had to be it -

 

His phone starts ringing. It’s Hux. With a growl, Kylo answers, snapping, “Hello,” in a deadly voice.

 

“It’s today. Like, right now. Get your ass down here,” Hux says in a strained voice.

 

“Now?” Kylo blinks in disbelief, heart stuttering in his chest.

 

“Now, Kylo. Are you in?”

 

He gazes at the empty bed, still fresh with Rey’s warm, sleepy scent. He takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m on my way.”

 

In the lift on the way to the parking garage, he texts Rey’s phone. He thought he would have more time, to get everything settled...

 

“My name is Ben Solo. My parents are Leia Organa and Han Solo. If anything happens to me, contact them. They will take care of you. I’m sorry Rey. I love you.”

 

Kylo Ren is heavy with every feeling, the strongest being fear and regret, as he climbs in the SUV. After today, everything will change.


	20. Chapter 20

XX.

 

After Kylo - or Ben’s - weird text, I turned my phone off. Finn and Rose kept looking at me like I’d suddenly grown an extra head. I couldn’t stop crying.

 

“We have to go to the police,” Finn insisted, pacing the carpet I dizzying circles while Rose wrapped her arms around me. “We’ll call Paige, she’ll know what to do.”

 

“No way,” I said. “No police.”

 

“What he did to you is illegal, Rey,” Rose murmured into my hair.

 

“It doesn’t feel illegal.” In fact, I felt like I was the bad guy. All Kylo did was take me in, protect me. He treated me so good, he spoiled me. But every time I brought that up, Rose and Finn told me that I was brainwashed. That I needed help, that I was sick - that what he did to me was sick. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t even hungry. When Rose offered to get me something, I had to swallow back the bile that burned up my esophagus.

 

“That’s because he manipulated you. Everything he did just twisted your thinking. Grown men don’t just take kids in and turn them into sex slaves over time.” Finn’s face was hard, he was angry. I curled further into myself, trembling.

 

I couldn’t help but wonder where he was. Had he come home to the empty loft? Did he even know I left yet? I could imagine him tearing the place apart, smashing glassware and flipping tables in anger. I knew he could be volatile, but it was never directed at me. I felt acute guilt; it was my fault. I should have told him no, I shouldn’t have let everything go so far.

 

I just wanted to feel loved. And with Kylo, it felt like I had that. It felt like someone cared about me. It felt like I hung the moon sometimes, the way that he would look at me. Of course, it wasn’t always perfect. I thought of Kaydel and Hux, I thought of how uncomfortable I felt at first. Kylo just lavished me with things, fed me from his hands like I was a feral animal. Like I didn’t know any better.

 

I shouldn’t have ever been born. Because of me, my mother was an addict, and now Kylo would go to prison for saving me, for loving me. I’d get sent into the system, and then I’d be on my own at eighteen. It wasn’t fair.

 

“I think I need to lay down,” I told Rose in a weak voice. “Please, don’t tell anyone yet. I just need time to process.”

 

Rose and Finn shares a look - he obviously was not a fan of this idea. “Come on,” Rose said, dragging him out of her bedroom. “Just give her some space. We’ll be out here if you need us! Anything Rey, just holler.”

 

I nod. My head feels like it’s filled with heavy stones. My face is swollen and aches from crying. I couldn’t believe I’d told them everything. About my mom, about a Kylo. Part of me felt good to have someone else know, but a bigger part was screaming internally about what a mistake I was making. I was going to hurt the only person that ever loved me. I felt... like a coward. Like garbage.

 

I must have fallen asleep - I open my eyes later and Rose is snoring softly in the bed next to me. I hated her intensely for a few moments. If she would just have left well enough alone...

 

But a small, raw part of me was thankful.

 

I laid beside her and pulled my phone out, pressing the button to bring it to life. After it powered up, I found I had missed a few calls from a number I didn’t know. I took a deep breath and listened to the voicemails.

 

“Rey, it’s Han. Um, Ben’s dad. Look, you need to call me...”

 

“Rey, it’s Ben’s Mom.Where the hell are you -“

 

The final message was Kylo. My heart stuttered at the sound of his voice. “Rey, I just need to know you’re safe. I thought Snoke had you, but... well there was a raid today. I took a plea deal, I’m cooperating. Just get ahold of my parents. I love you sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

 

My mind kicked into overdrive. Kylo was going to jail. But it wasn’t my fault this time. I slipped silently out of Rose’s bed, tiptoeing into her closet. I didn’t want to risk waking up her family. I shut the door and sat beside her shoes and discarded clothing. The darkness felt safe, somehow. It swallowed me up and I let loose the first few tears. I sobbed into my hand, snot running out of my nose. Kylo was going away, for real. But I hadn’t done it to him. It wasn’t my fault.

 

I cried in relief, in fear, in sadness. Everything was changing now. Too fast.

 

After a long while, I took a few steadying breaths and turned my phone over. It was just after midnight, but I couldn’t wait. I trembled as I clicked on Han’s number, bringing the phone to my ear. It only rang twice before he answered.

 

“M-Mister Solo? This is Rey.”

 

“Thank God,” Kylo’s father said in a gruff voice. “Thank God.”

 

——

 

I was sitting in the living room of a big brick home in Winnetka the next afternoon. Leia could hardly look at me, alternating between remorse and anger. Han kept shoving food and drinks at me, like he didn’t know how to act, either.

 

“I had no idea,” Leia said, her sharp brown gaze unusually flat, distant, like her tone. “Where did I go wrong? What did I do to turn him into this?”

 

“Don’t beat yourself up, Princess. Ben is a grown man. He made these choices. He has to face the consequences.” Han’s voice is surprisingly soft. I think he worried he would scare me.

 

But I didn’t feel anything, really. I woke up that morning and told Rose that Kylo was in custody. I told her that Kylo’s parents were going to help me figure out my next steps. She was reluctant to let me go - but I had to. “I’m not your responsibility, Rose. It’s not up to you to fix me.” She had cried softly and hugged me tight. I knew, as I got into Han’s old Mercury, that I would never see her again.

 

“We have a few choices,” Leia is saying, interrupting my thoughts. “We could put you in the system. But I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’ve suffered so much Rey - I really think our best bet is intensive therapy.”

 

“Like an institution? You’re going to lock me up?” Even though internally I was screaming, I was too emotionally drained to react much outwardly.

 

“No! Of course not,” Han said quickly. He raked a hand through his hair and glanced helplessly at Leia.

 

“It’s a program. You’d go for six weeks, depending on your progress. It’s for teenagers going through emotional trauma. Kids like you.” Leia softened, her features relaxing a bit as she moved to sit beside me on the velvet settee. Their house was rich and well decorated in old looking, dark wooden furniture and antiques Tiffany lamps. I could barely pay attention amidst my turmoil.

 

“I can’t... I don’t have money.” I stared into the mug of cocoa in my hands.

 

“Don’t worry about that,” Han said with a chuckle. “Kylo cleaned his accounts out a couple days ago. It’s all yours.”

 

“What?” I hissed.

 

“He won’t be able to use it in prison. He wanted you to have it. For school, for your needs.” Leia looked like she was about to cry, too.

 

“He won’t be in forever,” I mumbled. “He’ll need it when he gets out.”

 

“Let us worry about our son, Rey. Right now, we’re only thinking of you.”

 

——

 

Camp Hope is what its called. It’s situated in the mountains of Colorado, with sprawling meadows and little cabins dotting the property. I fly out two days after I arrive at Han and Leila’s. I could tell they felt bad, but we’re happy to be rid of me.

 

I talked to Kylo once, on the phone, before I left. It made my heart hurt - like a real, physical ache - to hear his voice, so soft and sad. I told him where I was going, that I wouldn’t be able to communicate to anyone outside once I got there. Han and Leia were looking into somewhere for me to stay once I finished the six weeks.

 

Kylo told me that he and Hux had gone to the police. That Snoke was trafficking young women and children. Neither of them were willing to cross that line, and knew they had to take him down. They agreed to shortened sentencing in exchange for information, setting up Snoke. They wore wires and helped orchestrate the bust.

 

“I’m glad you’re finally free,” I told him.

 

“Me too.”

 

We didn’t talk about the future. What would happen when he got out. Instead, we both said we loved each other, and then Kylo’s time was up. When I gave Han back his phone, the older man crushed me in a bear hug and let me cry into his jacket. We were both mourning the same person, but from such different perspectives.

 

Leia took me to Target and helped me pack a bag. She was warmer, and kinder, since finding out the truth. “I knew you weren’t eighteen,” she told me on our drive home. “I knew Ben was up to something.. I just never thought...”

 

That seemed to be the general consensus. No one thought Kylo was capable of everything he had done. I didn’t know the whole of it, I refused to hear about charges or anything. Instead, I buried my head in the sand. Willingly gave up my phone. Flew to Colorado to start the next chapter.

 

A lavender-haired last, close to Leila’s age, picked me up at the airport. She talked and I half-listened to what would be expected here. Chores, getting along with the others, sharing openly and honestly. I nodded in the right pauses and agreed to everything. What choice did I have?

 

She took me into a small medical office in the main building. Everything was blindingly white, clinical and clean. She asked all the general health questions, and I answered.

 

“When was your last period?” She smiled kindly while I frowned.

 

I tried to remember. I couldn’t.

 

“It’s probably stress. We’ll just take a quick test, to be safe.” She had me pee in a cup and then dipped a stick in. We waited in tense silence, and when she looked at the test, she sighed.

 

“It’s positive, Rey.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the epilogue left. It’s been wild, guys. Thank you for joining me, for all the comments and love. <3

XXI.

 

Now, I’ll never be able to get rid of Kylo Ren. Ben Solo. Whoever he is. I’m carrying the evidence of our relationship under my T-shirt, my silent secret not yet obvious. Ms. Holdo says I don’t have to decide today what to do, but before she can say anything else, I blurt out that I’m going to keep it.

 

I couldn’t imagine killing an innocent baby, one that was created out of love. No matter how twisted, it still felt like love to me. And if my mother, as fucked up as she was, could keep me... at least I didn’t have an addiction and I knew my baby would be plenty taken care of.

 

Ms. Holdo buttoned her mouth shut and nodded.

 

The first week was the hardest. My roommate was a tall, angular blonde named Phasma that came from a cult. She didn’t talk much, but her eyes and face were very expressive. She showed me around, telling me we woke at five every day to scarf breakfast and then take care of the horses. Then we had group therapy, and classes, and more chores. The evenings were spent on homework or leisure. She said the food was good, but sometimes the hours felt like years.

 

I knew that feeling well.

 

I couldn’t sleep because the night nurse, a little woman named Maz with buggy eyes behind thick lens glasses would do half hour checks. Phasma assured me I would get used to it; I doubted that. Plus, I hadn’t slept on my own in years. Every night, I had Kylo to snuggle around me. I cried into my pillow, missing his weight and warmth. I wondered how he would take the news. I wondered a lot about him. Did he miss me? Did he think of me at all? Would he find another young girl once he was free and do the same to her?

 

No one knew I was pregnant. I didn’t want to talk in group therapy, where we went around in a circle and told our stories. Everyone was encouraged to give input, so long as it was positive and constructive. I sat silently, chewing my nails and willing the nausea that started getting worse with each passing day to go away. I never spoke, just to Phasma in our room, Ms. Holdo when she spoke to me. Sometimes to the horses.

 

I had been there for three weeks when Ms. Holdo pulled me out of class for a solo session. Her office was light green and had a lot of plants. I thought she was going for some kind of healing environment, but I felt like I was in someone’s greenhouse.

 

“Hi Rey,” she said with a soft smile. Something about her was so kind that it made me annoyed. “How’re you feeling?”

 

“Tired. And nauseous. But also hungry.” I shrugged and looked at my shoes.

 

“I mean, emotionally. Do you think you’re making any progress here? Do you think you’re learning anything?” She tilted her head and stared at me. I shifted uncomfortably under her scrutiny. It was like she could look right through me.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to talk about it.”

 

“About what, Rey?”

 

“It’s just... everything that happened to me. My mom. Kylo. It doesn’t seem like he hurt me. Not when I hear how badly everyone else here had it... it feels like maybe I made a mistake, coming here.” I wrung my hands anxiously. Listening to Phasma talk about sleeping with the leader of her doomsday cult, Dopheld - the round faced, innocent looking kid - talk about abusing LSD to the point that he thought some deity wanted him to kill his family pets - that all seemed a lot worse.

 

“You won’t know unless you try. You were groomed into a relationship with a grown man, Rey. He took advantage of you. He raped you. And now...” she gestured to my belly. “Now you have to carry your abuser’s child.”

 

“He never... raped me,” I said. I blushed deeply to the roots of my hair. “If anything, I pushed him into it. I wanted it too.”

 

“The law doesn’t recognize what you might have wanted,” Ms Holdo said. “You’re underage. You can’t consent. Technically, legally, he raped you.”

 

I shook my head fiercely. “We’re in love.”

 

“I want to give you an assignment.” She leaned forward towards me. “I want you to tell your story in group tomorrow. I want you to take in the feedback from the group, and really think about what they’re telling you. I think it’ll help break down what you think happened to you. Ok, Rey?”

 

“Do I have a choice?” I huffed. She smiled and shook her head. “Ok. I will.”

 

——

 

I haven’t been sleeping well at night - I usually wake up a couple times to pee. Phasma and I eat oatmeal and bacon then head to the stable to muck stalls and put out feed. My birthday is coming up in a month, and back home school is out for the summer. Holdo scheduled me a doctor’s appointment for later this week. And I planned on telling my story today.

 

Just thinking about it makes me sweat anxiously. I followed Phas to group and sat between her and Dopheld. Our group leader was an older guy with a face that looked like it took a couple beatings. His eyebrows were like dark, expressive caterpillars. We called him DJ.

 

“Settle down, guys,” he drawled, waving his clipboard. I shivered nervously and brought my knees to my chest. I felt his intense gaze settle on me. “We are going to start today with Rey. About time, right?” I blushed as a few people chuckled - I could sense it wasn’t malicious.

 

I took a deep breath and glanced at Phasma, who nodded encouragingly. I closed my eyes and thought about it. About walking those blocks with my mother. About Kylo feeding me crab Rangoon. Making his offer. The worry and fear I felt, mixed with amazement at his loft and the safety I learned to feel with him.

 

I trusted him. With every ounce of me. I trusted him to care for me and make choices like a parent would. I trusted him as a lover too, later on. And now I was alone, pregnant, and the stakes were higher because it was no longer just me. It was me and the tiny human I was carrying, and a little piece of me whispered that it was Kylo, too.

 

My story poured out of me. I felt like I was letting go of it. Sending it off into the world. Making it real, truly real. I talked until my voice was hoarse and realized that my face was wet, I was crying. I told them about Kylo and his seduction, how good it felt to finally feel loved and wanted. I never felt like a burden to Kylo, though I always felt like I owed him my life. He picked me up out of the proverbial gutter and me a quality life. He was everything to me, all at once. It was beautiful and wrong and overwhelming.

 

By the time I wrap up, I’m saying, “and now he’s in prison and I’m here, fucking pregnant. And I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I gasped at my own admission - I hadn’t planned on spilling those beans. Phasma looked stricken, eyes dropping to my stomach.

 

“Wow. That is... intense, Rey. A lot to unload.” DJ squinted at me while moving his jaw strangely. He then turned his gaze to the rest of the group. “Anything, guys? Keep It constructive.”

 

“Well... like, you didn’t think it was weird?” Someone asked.

 

“I think my sense of normal was - is - far off from most people,” I replied. “I was homeless taking care of my junkie mom. I think I was... relieved.”

 

“You didn’t know it was illegal for him to Ed’s with you, because you’re a minor?”

 

“My own mother sold me to him for that very thing. Like I said... my normal-meter is off.” I blushed and played with the ends of my hair.

 

“I think you were abused and taken advantage of, Rey. It sounds like you really care about him, though.” Phasma patted my shoulder. “It’ll wear off with time. I thought I loved my rapist too.”

 

“But... I wanted it. I wanted him.” I blinked at the floor as tears invaded my vision in a fresh wave. “I still want him.”

 

“That’s sick,” one of the guys said. “How can you want someone that used you like that? It’s like you slept with your dad.”

 

I hung my head, ashamed. DJ told the guy to go cool off but the damage was done. If what Kylo did to me was messed up, I was just as messed up for still loving him. I fingered the pendant on my necklace, the locket with Kylo’s picture in it.

 

What was wrong with me? Would I ever feel better? Or was I doomed to continue the cycle of crazy?

 

Once group was dismissed, I laid down in my bed and curled around my pillow. I missed him, I hated him. I warred internally over all of my feelings. It hurt so much, was so overwhelming... I would never get better. My head and my heart were broken. Some mother I would be.

 

——

 

Weirdly enough, hearing my baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound machine was rejuvenating. It was a reminder. I had to be strong, I had to get better. This little thing needed me. Every day, I started putting one foot in front of the other. I took the Prozac that my physician prescribed. I wasn’t smiling and laughing all the time, but I was getting better.

 

I stayed a lot longer than six weeks. It was normal I found out to stay for months, to undo the damage. My sixteenth birthday came and went. I got rounder, and sore. My breasts swelled and my nipples darkened. Han and Leia flew out a few weeks before Halloween. Holdo had told them to expect me expecting, but that didn’t stop Leia from full on breaking down in the conference room.

 

“How could he do this?” She sobbed into Han’s shoulder while he stared at my belly. I was so skinny that I showed early. We knew it was a boy at that point, too.

 

“Kylo - and I - had a lot of issues,” I said. “But I couldn’t - I couldn’t kill an innocent child. It’s your grand baby. Part me, part Ky-Ben.” It still felt weird to call him by his government name. “I know it’s going to be hard, but Ms Holdo and I wanted to talk to you about what happens when I leave here.”

 

“You’re having our grand baby. You’ll come live with us, and we’ll help you.” Leia swatted the tears from her cheeks. “Of course, we’ll help you.”

 

I squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

 

We talked some more and I was relieved. I didn’t have it all figured out. I wasn’t cured. I could see now what Kylo did was wrong, that it was abuse. But that was my past. I was healing. This was just one foot in front of the other, my next chapter. I couldn’t worry too much about the chapter after that, yet. I could only worry about today.

 

I dropped my hand to the round bump between my hips, growing every day, and felt the baby roll around. I would do it for him, for me. The future would bring whatever it did. But I wouldn’t be alone to face it ever again.


	22. Chapter 22

Epilogue

 

Kylo is too nervous to watch the doorwar, so he stares at his hands on the little metal table in front of him. It’s bolted down, like everything in prison. Anything becomes a weapon if you’re mad enough.

 

Kylo isn’t mad, though. He’s fucking terrified. It’s been a year since he came in, and he’s more scared now than he was then. He shaved his head - didn’t want to give any other inmate an advantage in a fight. It brushed the tops of his big ears. His celly called him Dumbo, but mostly left him alone. Neither of them wanted trouble - just serve their time as quickly and quietly as possible. Kylo had eight years left, and they stretchedon before him like a long, endless road. No deviations, no side stops.

 

It wasn’t so bad. The food sucked, and he lost weight. But he gained muscle too. There wasn’t much to do but read, work out, go to groups, and sleep. He didn’t have to join a gang, didn’t have to pick a fight with the biggest, baddest dude. He just kept to himself.

 

Which meant he had a lot of time to think. Too much time, honestly. And Kylo is haunted.

 

When Kylo called Han - his mom refused to speak to him, still - and he said that Rey wanted to come and bring the baby, Kylo almost pissed his pants. He didn’t expect that. He didn’t know what to expect.

 

A whole year with no contact. A whole year to think about everything. About taking her from her mother - had anyone even told Rey that the woman was dead? About how elvish he was. Possessive. Terrified that she would get taken from him, or would run away if he pushed too much. How wrong it was, their whole relationship...

 

While simultaneously missing her every fucking day.

 

He missed her scent. Her giggle. The way she chewed on her lips and devoured food like someone was going to snatch it away. Kylo missed the slight weight of her in his arms, the soft skin behind her knees. The freckles on her nose.

 

He never deserved her. She was a person, and he took her and molded her into what he liked, what he wanted. His perfect play thing. Kylo loved her, but it was a selfish love, possessive. And he was guilty.

 

He hears footsteps coming near and glanced up. She’s there, in a sweater and jeans, hair braided over her shoulder, baby carrier covered in a blanket on her hip. She looks tired, circles under her pretty hazel eyes. Kylo blinks owlishly, stunned stupid, that she’s really here.

 

“Sorry it took so long. They had to search the carrier,” she says, cocking her head at the cumbersome thing.

 

“No, no. It’s fine. Thank you - for coming.” He’s lost now as to what he should say.

 

“It’s ok. Gave all the guards an excuse to go ga-ga over him.” She sinks into the seat across from him and pulls the blanket back. Nestled inside is a little baby. His little baby. Theirs.

 

Kylo sucks in a breath like someone punched him. Rey coos and says nonsense as she begins to unfasten him. Kylo just watches, gripping the table with white knuckles so hard they ache. She cradles him in her arm, draping the blanket over his little body, and turns to peek at him shyly.

 

“I named him Ben,” she says. “After you. Han didn’t want me to, but Leia was all for it.” He has a little hat on but dark curls escape. His skin is pale, his little lips full. Ben wonders if he inherited his big ears.

 

“He’s - he’s so small,” Kylo says.

 

“He’s only three months old,” Rey says. “He’ll get bigger.”

 

“Right. Of course.” Kylo swallows thickly. It’s so strange. Rey looks incredibly comfortable and at ease as she holds their child. An awkward silence settles over them, and he tries to think of what to say - how to tell her how deeply sorry he is for betraying her trust. For fucking her up further. It all seems insignificant, not nearly enough.

 

“Your parents have been great. They watch him when I do my online classes.” Rey can’t meet his gaze for more than a couple seconds at a time. “I breastfeed, so I’m the only one that feeds him...” for some reason, Kylo is strangely struck that Rey’s breasts, dripping milk, would be an intensely erotic sight. He pushes that away - it’s not the time or place. “It’s kinda cool. I’m the only person he actually needs to survive right now.”

 

“You’re a great mother.” Kylo smiles weakly.

 

“How would you know?”

 

“I can tell. The way you look at him, talk about him. I’m sure... you guys are better off with me in here.” Kylo’s shoulders hunch. He’s such a fuck up.

 

“Well, I guess that depends on what you do while you’re in here.” Rey levels him with an intense look. “Get help, Kylo. You’re a good person. I know you are, deep down.” When she blinks, little tears cling to her eyelashes.

 

“I’m not. I’m - what I did to you, Rey... how could you ever see me as anything more than a monster?”

 

She looks at the baby, who blinks slowly, sleepily. “Wanna hold him?” Before Kylo responds, she stands and adjusts the blanket, shows Kylo how to crook and hold his arm. She places him softly. “Mind his head and neck... there.” She hovers for a minute, making sure Kylo has him securely.

 

It’s... Kylo feels like he’s holding the whole world in his arms. Little Ben, a bundle of warmth and softness. Half him, half Rey. He leans down and sniffs, surprised that it’s true - babies do smell really good. Rey smiles at him sadly when he looks up.

 

“Eight years is a long time, Kylo. A lot of things can change.” She seems much older to him then. She crosses this threshold into motherhood alone, she’s raising their child with minimal help from his folks. Rey doesn’t seem small and vulnerable, gobbling food from his fingertips, not anymore. “I want you to be a good father.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“I need you to get help. Don’t waste your time here,” Rey says. She touches his forearm across the table and the contact burns pleasantly, makes the hairs stand on end. “Ben needs us... both of us.”

 

“Is there an us?” Kylo asks, shocked at her words.

 

“Oh, Kylo,” Rey says sadly. She’s crying for real now, and his vision blurs too. “I don’t know - but eight years... it’s a long time to think about that, huh?”

 

He gapes at her, dumbfounded. Rey grins through her tears and she’s too beautiful, so he looks down. Kylo inhales baby Ben’s sweet, milky scent, and smiles into his hat.

 

Eight years is a long time. Maybe even long enough to become a better man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fin*
> 
> Thanks for everything. I hope you don’t hate it.


	23. Epilogue Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp this case out of nowhere. Guess y’all got that HEA. :)

I take a deep breath and step into the bright, overwhelming sunlight beyond the heavy security gates that have kept me in the past six years. It feels strange, unnatural, to be on the other side again. Six years is a long time.

 

I only had Rey for three and a half. I’ve known her for nearly half of her life now. I ruined nearly half of it.

 

There are others being released today too. We ignore each other and disperse - some just start walking down the snow-lined drive, boots scraping the pavement and shoulders hunched up around their ears against the cold. I’m one of the fortunate; I still have family that visits, calls, writes. A janky old station-wagon is parked with a slight woman and a boy, almost five, sitting on the hood.

 

My son. Benny.

 

I get close enough to see him bouncing with excitement. I smile. I hardly deserve this enthusiasm but I’ve learned that kids are resilient, forgiving. He doesn’t know that he should be angry at me. That his father is a monster. With each step I take, it’s getting harder for him to sit still.

 

“Oh, go ahead,” I hear once I’m even closer. He bounds off the hood and closes the distance between us.

 

“Daddy! Daddy you’re outside!” Benny joyfully cries. I hold him tight against my hips, which is where he flits his arms around me. His hair is ultra soft and dark as mine. Hazel eyes peep up at me, framed by thick eyelashes, and he grins toothily. My boy.

 

I spent many long hours inside dreaming of this day, days beyond this. Cozy mornings sharing breakfast in a sunny little kitchen. Racing trains over wooden tracks - Benny is obsessed with Thomas and Friends. Whenever he visits or I get him on the phone, I hear excited, rambling tales of their adventures. My heart aches to take part in them.

 

“Come on guys, it’s freezing.”

 

I glance up and swallow hard. Rey looks good. Older, maybe a little pale. Her chestnut hair is done in a long plait over her shoulder, and she’s wearing a green pea coat and jeans that hug her long legs. Not so coltish, anymore. Toned and shapely. I blink at her a couple times before remembering myself.

 

I scoop Benny up and he squeals in surprise. Rey laughs, the sound like music to my ears, sending me off in memories that I try not to enjoy. Rey in my passenger seat, feet on the dash and hair blowing in the wind, heart-shaped glasses perched on the slope of her nose. Rey in our bed, my fingers digging in her ribs and laughing so hard she would cry.

 

Rey. Just Rey. Young and beautiful, when she was mine.

 

She’ll be twenty-two in the summer and it blows my mind.

 

“Hop in,” Rey tells Benny. He’s still in a car seat, and she buckles him in to the fancy, space-age technology while he babbles at me.

 

“Sit with me?” Benny asks, pointing at the space beside him.

 

“Of course.” Rey glances up, maybe surprised, so I just duck my head and walk around the side of the car to slip in behind the driver’s seat and hold my son’s hand. As much as I ache to know what she’s thinking, what secrets hide behind those hazel eyes and the softest smiles on her lips, I know that there will be plenty of time for that later. Now, I pay attention to my son, hanging on his every word, proud of the little man that’s half of me and half of her.

 

——

 

Rey lives on the same block as my parents in the suburb. A small, two bedroom ranch with attached garage and fenced in back yard, complete with wooden swing-set and sandbox. All of it blanketed in at least a foot of snow.

 

“This is the kitchen,” Benny says, pulling me through the house. “This is the fridge. That’s where the milk lives.”

 

“Impressive,” I reply seriously.

 

“Don’t stick your hand down that drain. The garbage ‘sposer lives down there and will bite your hand off.” Benny’s hazel eyes are solemn and I make a noise of agreement. Rey is following us, but hanging back to observe. Giving me space. Giving Benny space. I try not to look at her too much, not sure what I’m allowed. It’s difficult, as I want to re-memorize her, the scrunch of her brows and hitch if her breathing.

 

I focus on the things Benny points out instead. A rooster decoration on the kitchen table. The oven, which cooks pizza, which is his favorite.

 

He shows me the bathroom, which is plain creams and brown, a special seat on the toilet for my son’s smaller bottom, toys held in a mesh net on the tile above the tub. A curling iron, cold on the counter.

 

“Mom wanted to do her hair, but got mad and said a bad word,” Benny whispers, in that way only kids can - it’s almost louder than his normal speaking voice. From the door way, Rey blushes - a sight for sore eyes, beautiful - and playfully narrows her eyes at our boy.

 

“I better not hear you repeat it,” she chides him, teasing. Benny beams at her.

 

Next, down the hallway covered in framed photographs of Benny and Rey, Benny and my parents - even Benny and me on a few of our visits in front of the sea-mural that someone did ages ago - Benny leads me to his room. It’s small and packed with trains and dinosaurs, little bed in one corner. He shows me how he makes it, peeling the animal blanket back and forward, smoothing a little hand over it. He picks up trains, tells me their names, sets them down again.

 

“Come on, Benny. I’m sure Daddy is hungry and would like a shower,” Rey says. Benny groans but then happily pushes me back down the hall. He points at the shut door adjacent to his.

 

“Momma’s room. Not allowed in there,” he adds. “Secret Momma stuff.”

 

I feel my eyebrows raise and Rey rolls her eyes. “Benny likes to play in my make up. Dumped my powder everywhere.”

 

“One time...”

 

Rey seems in her element in the kitchen, which is strange. I always cooked for us, before. She sets to making macaroni and cheese, paired with hot dogs, and Benny tells me that is his second favorite meal. Rey listens and smiles. I wonder if it’s strange for her, or if she’s uncomfortable having me here. Convicted felon baby daddy, in the flesh, in her space. The man that ruined her childhood, manipulated her life.

 

They call it grooming. I’ve done the research. It makes me feel like slime. It doesn’t feel like what I had with Rey, which had been - in my mind - loving and sweet. But because I was older, and I knew better, it’s wrong. I know that now. I don’t know how to... how to apologize, or fix it. If it can be fixed. But she insisted - she insisted - that once I came home it would be with her and Benny. That he needed me. That she would be able to work more with me home to take care of our son. That it made the most sense.

 

And I never knew how grateful I could feel until then.

 

We eat lunch and then Rey tells me to get a shower. It’s weird to have such privacy, and my dick twitches to life as I luxuriate under the steaming spray. It’s quiet, and I still feel like looking over my shoulder, like I can’t close my eyes. When the door cracks open, I flinch and almost slip - but the non-stick starfish and frog stickers on the tub floor save me.

 

“I got you some clean clothes. They’re on the counter.” Rey’s soft voice makes me ache, her kindness feels too undeserved. The door clicks shut and I cry until I can’t anymore.

 

I don’t deserve her. I never did.

 

——

 

Benny resists bedtime and it’s nearly ten once he finally falls asleep on the couch with me, curled against my side. I lift him easily and Rey peels back the blankets, we tuck him in for the first time together. Standing side by side, staring down at him, it feels like a dream.

 

I go back to the living room and Rey disappears in her bedroom. I lay on the sofa, feet hanging off, and it reminds me of my cot back inside. I’m too tall for regulation cots and normal sized couches. I hear Rey laughing and crane my neck back to look at her.

 

“Hi,” she says, shifting nervously. “I-I somehow forgot how big you are.” The blush that races up her neck to her face makes me feel alive. “We’ll have to get a bigger couch.”

 

“I don’t mind, Rey.” I sit up and she pads across the carpet to plop down beside me. She’s wearing gray leggings and a tank top - Hello Kitty. Like... like the one she and Kaydel had. My stomach knots uncomfortably at the memory.

 

“It’s nice to have you home.” She picks at imaginary lint on the cushion, then peeks up at me shyly. “I missed you, Kylo.”

 

I suck in a big breath. “You did?”

 

She nods. “It’s been... very lonely.” I watch her fingers get closer and closer to me. I want her, it throbs through me straight to my cock. But I know there’s a conversation that needs to happen. That I need her to know, that I’m sorry and that -

 

Her weight shifts into my lap, nimble fingers threading into my shaggy dark hair and nails scraping my scalp in a way that makes my whole body tingle. “I hated you,” she confesses softly. “I fucking hated you for so long, Kylo.”

 

“I hated me too.”

 

“I tried to - I tried to see other people. I tried to sleep with someone else.” Rey dips down and nips my ear, making me shudder a sigh. I clutch at her hips. I hate the idea of her with anyone else, imagining her lithe body beneath another man, and my blood pounds through my ears in a jealous crescendo. “I couldn’t - I couldn’t do it. And I hated you even more.”

 

I want to roar in victory but settle for squeezing her ass instead.

 

“You ruined me for anyone else, Kylo. And I was so angry, for so long.” Rey tightens her grip on my hair, painfully tugging my head back to look her in the eye. “But you’re here now. And I’m not gonna let you fuck up again. Got it, Kylo?”

 

“Y-Yes,” I stammer as her hips grind down on me. I gasp as pleasure floods through me. I’m so hard, so fast, it almost hurts.

 

“Benny and me, we need you. So you’re here now.” She bites my throat and I shiver. I’m too nervous to move my hands or initiate. It has to be her this time, leading the way. Choosing this, choosing me. Grown up and so fucking beautiful.

 

“I’m here. As long as you’ll have me.”

 

She pulls back, green-honey eyes flitting over my face before she nods. Then, much more gently than I expected, she kisses me. Soft, warm lips against mine. The barest whisper. Enough to bring me to life, rip a growl from my chest, hold her hips down as I thrust up against her. I should’ve jerked off in the shower, I won’t last long - but I’ll make sure she gets off first, I promise myself.

 

“Take me to bed, Kylo.”

 

——

 

It’s dark and warm, the sheets smell like her. I lay Rey back gently and push up her shirt. I can feel the puckered skin of her stretch marks under my palm. She doesn’t seem ashamed, which I’m glad for. Benny made those stretch marks. Our baby. I lean down, ghosting my lips over her already peaked nipples, and she sighs out softly. She’s needy as she arches into me, hands in my hair and writhing around. I capture a peak in my mouth, and she covers her mouth to catch her moan.

 

I want to hear. But I don’t want Benny to wake up and interrupt. I let it go.

 

Her skin is so soft. I’d forgotten. I rub my face against her, inhaling the sugary scent of her soap. Of Rey. I can’t believe she wants me.

 

I lick down her belly, tugging her leggings off as I go. Her cunt smells exactly as I remember. I lick a stripe over her already slick slit, struggling to breathe properly.

 

“Please Kylo,” she whimpers. “Please lick my little pussy.”

 

“Yes,” I groan quietly. I spread her open. I bury my face between her folds, licking and sucking on her succulent flesh like the most delicious fruit. Her reactions are vivid and arousing. Thighs tremble, hands alternate between my hair and the sheets as she whispers how badly she wants me. Rey is wanton and open, her body a sweet memory and ten times better than I recall. By the time I’m sliding two fingers in, stretching her unused walls and stroking a slow, teasing pace, she crumbles.

 

“Kylo!” She clamps on my fingers hard, and I feel precum dribbling from my dick. I shove my pajamas down and climb up the bed. I rest my weight on my elbows and line our bodies up. My dick is aching with need, and I slide into her. Like a key in its matching lock, a perfect, right fit. She groans. In the darkness I can see her brow scrunch up and I feel tiny aftershocks flutter along my length. It’s so perfect.

 

“I missed you so much,” Rey says. I touch her face, my fingers come back wet. She’s crying.

 

“I missed you, baby.” I know I won’t last so I start thrusting with all I have. Slick sounds of flesh on flesh, harsh pants, her hiccuping sobs fill the darkened room and I kiss the tears away as my body climbs and climbs. White hot heat settles in my balls, drawing them tight to my body. Not much longer. “I love you, Rey. I’ll never leave, if you don’t want me to.”

 

“Never,” she croaks. “Never Kylo.” Her nails press half moons into my shoulders as I cum. It’s powerful, taking my breath and tunneling my vision. I shiver and shake as I empty my load into her snug heat. Best orgasm ever.

 

We snuggle down and I hold Rey until her tears dry. We catch our breath as sweat cools and dries. For a moment, it reminds me of the loft, and I take a shuddering breath. Those days are behind us now. It’s just Rey, Benny, myself - and whatever the future brings. I kiss her forehead and recognize the way her breath evens out, that Rey’s fallen asleep. I hold her tighter, nuzzling her hair. Content, together. At last.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all the love. Please feel free to leave any and all feedback. Reviews are better than cocaine. Also, add me on tumblr & day hi!  
> @ coffeeand-cigarettes-please


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